and here's mine (found it from the previous vas thread)
wife and i talked, after our 3rd kid there was just no friggin way i was havin another... When my youngest was born i had 3 kids under the age of 4... So, we waited until after the snowmobile season to get this scheduled and of course after vacation in the summer... Comes about end of july 2yrs ago and i finally get in for a good ball choppin, take a friday off so i get a 3 day weekend out of the deal before i go back to work, thank god i've got a desk job...
Come to find out my neighbor worked for the dr performing this, oh joy, now my neighbor stephanie is gonna have full access to my junk... Friggin wonderful... Get this, the guy's name, dr. Nutcheck (not kidding, no bullchit!!!)... Just my damn luck...
Night before i go in i sit my azz on the edge of the tub and try to trim the hedge... Even taking it easy my sack ends up looking like a 13yr old shaving for the first time while having a seizure... Break out the norelco electric and the oster hair trimmers instead... Knock the big stuff down with the trimmers and decide to finish up with the shaver... Bad idea, those rotary shavers grab the longer pubes and wrap 'em up around the shaver heads and pull 'em out... Back to the shave cream and blade... Finally done, ya i did the whole sack almost to the taint... Took to weed eatin the rest a little as well, can't have wifey chokin on a stray pube or gettin poked in the eye ya know, so a subtle trim to knock down the tall the grass a touch, sweet, all done now... Hmm... Actually kinda nice in a way, as long as i'm goin commando around the house...
Next day comes, i drive in for the ~job~ scheduled for about 2pm, he says it'll take about 20-30 mins, cool, i'll be home and relaxing around 330 or so... We get in there, the neighbors wife compliments my haircut (smartazz) and the doc says, you're gonna feel a little pinch with the local anastesia... Pinch my azz!!!!!!! He stuck a 4 inch spike thru my sack, pinches the plumbing inside, stuffs the needle in there and begin ~inflating~ the pipes with the local... At this point i feel like the pressure is gonna back up and pop the tip of my c@ck off... Thor (yes, the god of thunder) is tryin to do his best imitation of a turtle in sub zero weather... And all the while dr. Nutcheck is having a talk with me about golf, the housing market and retirement, which continues while he performs the same damn thing on the other side... Now the fun part begins... He grabs the machete and starts hackin at my sack... Cool, can't really feel anything, we've moved on to cars in the discussion now, and i here him make a couple snips while removing a small section, he grabs a couple of metal staples and clamps them shut, then breaks out the friggin soldering iron to seal the deal...
Ok, this is a bit disheartening, when you see smoke coming outta your crotch, knowing that something is burning down there and you can feel the doc treating your boys like a set of playground marbles, there's all kinds of tugging and pulling and yankin goin on down there... The local kills the pain but you can still feel all the movement... Weird... Stitches closed the wound and moves on to the left side... Same procedure, hey, at least he's consistent, but the conversation has taken a turn into the surreal... Now we're discussing bowling, ping pong, and sexual habits of our wives... About this time i start getting a little light headed and my end of the conversation starts to fade off as i'm on the edge of passing out...
He finishes up and says go ahead and get dressed... I respond "i'm not goin anywhere cuz i'm just gonna pass out for a bit here"... My face is flushed, i'm having sweats and getting nauseous... I manage to get dressed and lay back down, my neighbor brings in some oj and cookies and a couple cold wet rags... Doc had told me earlier that the local would last about an hour after he was done, giving me plenty of time to drive home and get situated before it wore off... No such luck today fellas... My little ~near passing out~ episode has cost me over and hour and a half before i felt good enough to walk... Great, now its ***gin rush hour in chicago and i've gotta drive what should have been 30ish minutes home has now become an hours drive of stop and go traffic on a very rough us rte 41... I finally pull in the drive at home, struggle my aching balls into the house, grab a bag of peas, pop some vicodin and get in a recliner... Mistake number one, i didn't wear tight drawers...
Of course i didn't figure that out until the tuesday evening following this god awful nightmare... On monday i went to work, i'm limpin around the office, somethin aint right, i take the taxi back thru the chicago loop to the train station for a nice bouncy ride on the train for almost 2 hrs, yeha!!! Tuesday morning i get up and now m balls are swelling up like goddam tennis balls... The pain is almost unbearable, i call the doc, he says it fairly common, i'm like wtf??? You guys said i'd be back to work easily the following monday... I hang up, now i'm starting to get a little paranoid about this... I'm still sitting around each evening with the bag of frozen peas and carrots... Finally slip on some tight drawers and in about another day or two the pain subsides enough that i wake with morning wood... Yeah for me!!!! My junk still works...
On thursday night, maybe it was friday, i'm getting a antsy to take her for a test drive... I convince the wife to give it up, i go slow and produce about the largest money shot in the history of mankind, worthy or ron jeremy himself... What a f-n mess... Wifey get to the bathroom to clean up, i hear her in there saying to herself "holy jesus" then yells out to me "did they put extra in there???"...
At any rate, i wasn't able to do any fappin for another week or so... Doc said i had to blow at least 12-15 loads before i was "safe" for wifey to quit takin the pills... Somehow or another we managed to get that 12-15 times deal taken care of in about 3 weeks time... Not bad...
Oh yeah, and now my balls hang a bit lower and when i'm on the sled the bounce a little freer... Only problem is that having this done while its 90 degrees outside make your now shaven sack stick to everything, and as the hair grows back it itches like crazy for about 2 months... Gold bond is your freind
....To bad i didn't have the re-tie done this week i'll be in Los Cabo for the next week. I here the warm ocean breeze and salt water helps with the swelling.
