Warning ...some may find this offencive .....

[ruffryder]

another jewish one

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

 

[ruffryder]

more

A Priest and a Rabbi were, by coincidence, sitting next to each other on a long flight.

About an hour passes and not a single word was exchanged by the two men. Finally, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, do you mind if I ask you a personal question"? The Rabbi said, "Of course, you may."

"I understand that many of you Jewish people, especially Rabbis, keep kosher and, as such, don't eat things like bacon or ham". The Rabbi acknowledged that. "Haven't you ever even tasted bacon or ham?", asked the Priest.

The Rabbi explained, "Many years ago, I was a visiting Rabbi in a small town in the middle of nowhere and found myself in a diner one Sunday morning. There was no one around so I ordered bacon and eggs. It was quite good but that was the only time that ever happened."

After some time, the Rabbi turned to the Priest and said, "Father, do you mind if you ask you a very personal question"? The Priest said OK.

"You Priests take an oath of celibacy, right"?, asked the Rabbi. "Why, yes", answered the Priest, wondering where this was going.

"Well, haven't you ever had sex since you've become as Priest"?, asked the Rabbi. The Priest looked about nervous, leaned toward the rabbi and answered very softly, "As a young parishioner I was approached by a troubled woman who was looking for my guidance. She was a beautiful, young woman and one thing led to another. So, yes, just once I had sex with a woman".

A few moments pass and the Rabbi leans over to the Priest and says, "A lot better than pork, isn't it?"


You gotta love the internet

 

[24footjet]

Ok, for differentiation.....

Mormon guys, tell me how to be saved.

Maybe this will clear things up a bit.

 

[rasp112]

http://www.jefflindsay.com/faith_works.html#main

Very well explained.. too long to put on a post though.. Read that then come talk to me.. I believe everything said in it.

Sorry I am very terrible with words.. my weaknes i guess.. honestly the only reason i havent shared scripture on this is mainly cause i look at snowest in two places.. Ususally at work and write between jobs im doing and two when Im casually browsing before i go to bed.. Just didnt get up and get the scriptures out.. And i dont have a ton memorized.. I try to write down significant things as i study certain topics..

If you want to ask and not tell me what i believe i will take the time to try and explain to you..

And yes you are in an adult conversation but am being very immature about it..

YOu say we sounfd like a manual.. Sir Every evangelical christian i come across says the exact same things you have said about this with the exact same scriptures.. ANd ALWAYS they try to tell me what i believe as a mormon.. Sounds like they got the cookie cutter mold down perfect.

 

[ruffryder]

The athiest

There is an athiest who is walking out in the woods thinking evolution caused all of the beauty of the forest. Well along comes this 7 foot tall grizzley bear. Th e athiest turned around and saw the grizzly and screamed a bloodcurdling scream anruns up the hill. Then the grizzly starts chasing and closing in on him. Well just as the bear got ready to kill him he screamed save me God! Time stopped and a bright light shown in the sky and god said why should I save you after all these years of you teaching others I'm not real? The athiest replied, Lord it would be a hypocrocy to ask to be a christian now but could you at least make the bear christian? The Lord said O.K. Time started again and the bear took its paw away and put both together and said"Lord thank you for this food I am about to recieve Amen."

 

[ruffryder]

A Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."

He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.

When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"

 

[buck50]

a man dies and goes to heaven. he's standing at the pearly gates with St. Peter. St. Peter is going through his book and announces to the man that he is sorry, he can't get into heaven and to go through that door over there to hell. the man goes over, opens the door, and is truly amazed. there's rolling hills with an abundance of fruit trees and rolling fields of wheat. the man can't believe this is hell, so calls for St. Peter to come over and make sure this is the right door. Sure enough St. Peter gets there, looks in, and goes "darn mormons been irrigating again!"

remember it's just a joke i heard

 

[cmantle1]

Good ones Ruffryder, Phatty, and buck....

A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying his eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?" The little boy turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

 

[cmantle1]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell...

Then all the other bells started to ring.

 

[rasp112]

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.

2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined.

A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format.
The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities.

The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

 

[rasp112]

There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The other priest asked where his bike was so the first priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!"

The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the Ten Commandments, and when you get to "Thou shall not steal" someone will confess to the crime."

The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?" the one priest said.

The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it."

 

[cmantle1]

There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The other priest asked where his bike was so the first priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!"

The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the Ten Commandments, and when you get to "Thou shall not steal" someone will confess to the crime."

The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?" the one priest said.

The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it."

good one braaap

 

[niner49]

REDNECK LENT

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and
cook
a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic..And since
it
was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious
aroma
from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the
Catholic
faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to
visit
Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the
priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and
raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.' Bubba's neighbors were
greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of
grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called
immediately
by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a
rosary
and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you
wuz
raised a deer, but now you a catfish.'

 

[MTm7]

good job diffusing a bit of a tense situation. i have been thinking about this all day at work. first i have to commend you on how you stated what you believed and used scripture to substantiate(sp?) it. and i in turn did what i get frustrated at others for and showed no proof as you did. though in prinicple i still disagree but you did a much better job presenting your arguement. second i did not copy from another website. the part about justification etc is all in the bible. mormonism interpreting practices... yes i have read about that in books so perhaps there is some paraphrasing on my part. doesnt not make it true though. sorry i had to get that in there and lastly it doesnt matter what you gave me to read i have done enough investigation to figure out that we just wont agree. is that being obstinate?? i dont think so but i guess the same could be said of you. on another note it would be my honor to ride with you someday. i mean isnt that why we are all on this 4m because we love to sled? i really enjoy watching the boondocker sled films. you guys know how to ride.

i think perhaps i have worn out my welcome so i will sit this out from here on out.

MT,
First off I want you to know that I feel you believe in Jesus Christ and i think that is wonderful! I also believe your intentions on this board have been good and I take it as a love for your fellow man that you are sharing your testimony of Jesus Christ with us. My intent is not to come on here and bicker about doctrine in anyway, so I apologize if i came across in that way. My intent was to show that You and i are not so different, nor is our doctrine we adhere to, whether you want to accept that or not.

Second, its obvious to anyone reading through this thread that you copied that paragraph from some website. You have not been using language like that, and the flow was different from your other posts. I just wanted to point that out. I understand that most all Christian churches preach all manner of falsehoods against the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Members of the various sects of Christianity are given websites and oppressive literature that does nothing but spread lies and ignite hatred and misunderstandings. Be wary of such material against any religious doctrine, be it Mormans, Muslims, Wickens, Buddists, or whatever. Instead of treating other faiths like diseased disgraces, embrace them for the good they accomplish and learn truths from them. We would all benefit from such approaches.

Third, I don't think you read my post, or understood it. I did not twist scripture at all, I posted the scripture right there for all the snowest world to read. "All will be resurrected. Not all will be exalted (admitted to the kindgom of God)." I took it a little bit further and said we are NOT to judge who will be exalted, though i did not post scripture directly referencing that doctrine as i felt it is known by most everyone already.

Fourth, If you desire a sermon on God's justice and mercy from a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saint perspective (meaning doctrine wise), I would happily write up a long post using scriptures, but it will not be something I argue about, nor post to be picked at and blasted. It will be to encourage faith in the Lord, and understanding in our hearts. I will answer any questions you have that are true and real questions, I will not indulge in answering questions meant to trap or harm others of any faith. There is no room for contention in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Fifth, Where ever it is found, we should embrace truth. There are some great truths exposed in this thread, and a lot of posts that remind us why the world is falling apart. Through our examples of charity, service, and love, we can make a difference. When people look at you and I they should see a pure heart and want to know why we are who we are. And you and I both know that its loving the Saviour Jesus Christ that allows us to be that way.

 

[rasp112]

good job diffusing a bit of a tense situation. i have been thinking about this all day at work. first i have to commend you on how you stated what you believed and used scripture to substantiate(sp?) it. and i in turn did what i get frustrated at others for and showed no proof as you did. though in prinicple i still disagree but you did a much better job presenting your arguement. second i did not copy from another website. the part about justification etc is all in the bible. mormonism interpreting practices... yes i have read about that in books so perhaps there is some paraphrasing on my part. doesnt not make it true though. sorry i had to get that in there and lastly it doesnt matter what you gave me to read i have done enough investigation to figure out that we just wont agree. is that being obstinate?? i dont think so but i guess the same could be said of you. on another note it would be my honor to ride with you someday. i mean isnt that why we are all on this 4m because we love to sled? i really enjoy watching the boondocker sled films. you guys know how to ride.

i think perhaps i have worn out my welcome so i will sit this out from here on out.

Kudos to you MTm7.. You seem like a great person.. One that mormons, protestants, catholics, aethiests, etc. can surely learn from.. I myslef have learned eventhough we disagree on interpretations of the holy bible...... We say the world is so crappy. But man are we surely blessed here in America.. And there are many good people across the world making a difference..

 

[24footjet]

I'm just going to agree to disagree with you Braap. Christians say the same things because they back up their arguments with scripture, which happens to be a proving piont because nobody can dismiss the Bible.

I think maybe that's one of my final points.... people in and of themselves aren't good. We are born into sin, that is why salvation of the Bible is so vital. Ask somebody if they are a good person, they will tell you yes. Take them through the 10 commandments, one by one... have you ever stolen... yes, have you ever lusted.... yes, have you ever lied... yes..... have you ever taken the Lords name in vain... yes.....

So, this person would be a self-professed lying, thieving, adulterer at heart along with taking the name of Holy God in vain. That's not a good person. That's why Jesus is needed so badly, to forgive us of this, freely not of works.... it's a God thing, not a human thing.

I'll read your items here on mormon salvation. It can't be as easy as repenting of sins and placing your trust in Christ Jesus? It can't be that simple, it's got to be a long drawn out plan of attack...? Seems like work(s) to me.

 

[cookiecutter]

Pres. Hinckley once got up to give a talk in General Conference. The air conditioning had gone out and he stood up to sweating congregation and said "It's warm. We're sorry. But it's not as warm as it's going to get if you don't repent!"

A Catholic priest went into a barber shop for a haircut. When he was finished, the barber refused to take payment saying, "You are a man of the cloth... this is a free service that I offer to you." The Priest thanked the barber and went on his way. The next morning the barber found seven fishes and seven loaves of bread on his doorstep in gratitude from the priest.
The next week, a Jewish Rabbi went into the same shop for a cut. Again
the barber refused payment saying, "You are a man of God... this is a free service that I offer to you." The next morning the barber found a fitting gift from the Rabbi. The following week, two LDS Missionaries went into the shop for haircuts. Again, the barber refused payment saying, "You work in the service of God... this is a free service that I offer to you." The next morning the barber arrived to find 12 LDS Missionaries on his doorstep.

Here are some funny mistakes found in the Mormon church and others

When I was a Rick's college, they announced as the opening hymn: "Hark, the Herald Angels Sin" Lesli Jenks

Ward Adult Valentine's Activity: bring your favorite game and a spouse of a friend for a great time! Feb '98

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All ladies wishing to become "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet": in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 

[rasp112]

I'm just going to agree to disagree with you Braap. Christians say the same things because they back up their arguments with scripture, which happens to be a proving piont because nobody can dismiss the Bible.

I think maybe that's one of my final points.... people in and of themselves aren't good. We are born into sin, that is why salvation of the Bible is so vital. Ask somebody if they are a good person, they will tell you yes. Take them through the 10 commandments, one by one... have you ever stolen... yes, have you ever lusted.... yes, have you ever lied... yes..... have you ever taken the Lords name in vain... yes.....

So, this person would be a self-professed lying, thieving, adulterer at heart along with taking the name of Holy God in vain. That's not a good person. That's why Jesus is needed so badly, to forgive us of this, freely not of works.... it's a God thing, not a human thing.

I'll read your items here on mormon salvation. It can't be as easy as repenting of sins and placing your trust in Christ Jesus? It can't be that simple, it's got to be a long drawn out plan of attack...? Seems like work(s) to me.

Back to one of my first posts.. and from every other one I and phatty have stated.. We don't believe that our works alone save us..

Central to our religion is Jesus Christ and his grace that saves us..

The site explains a mormons view on works, grace and faith.. Not a plan of attack.

Mormons teach from the Scriptures.. That is where the doctrine of CHrist is found.. And is a proving point for our religion. Im sorry I didnt post any scriptures with my beliefs.. For this wasnt really the point of my discussion with you.. My main hang up is you profess to know more about my church and beliefs then I do.. You mention certain doctrines we teach and twist them to half truths of what we believe and put a spin on it to sound outrageous.. There are plenty of scriptures noted on that link that i think explain the doctrine great..

I think opposite I think humans are born good but tend to be led away to do evil.. All men have the light of Christ, that is what our Conscience (sp?) is.. If we continally turn away from this light of christ our heart becomes hard and the light starts to leave us and that is why the "Conscience " no longer tries to guide them.

 

[cookiecutter]

All of that is predominitaly Mormon humor that i posted, but I'll admit the truth, we Mormons are a little goofy.

Also, thanks for all those that have stated their opinions and have respected the opinions of others. I think you all are great people and you all show me how much more i need to improve in being accepting of others beliefs and personalities, whatever they may be.

Though we all dont share the same beliefs, at least we all believe in something. And thats alot better than having no belief at all and sitting on our butts all day wasting the beautiful earth we live on, and awsome activities that draw us all together.

 

[phatty]

Back to one of my first posts.. and from every other one I and phatty have stated.. We don't believe that our works alone save us..

Central to our religion is Jesus Christ and his grace that saves us..

The site explains a mormons view on works, grace and faith.. Not a plan of attack.

Mormons teach from the Scriptures.. That is where the doctrine of CHrist is found.. And is a proving point for our religion. Im sorry I didnt post any scriptures with my beliefs.. For this wasnt really the point of my discussion with you.. My main hang up is you profess to know more about my church and beliefs then I do.. You mention certain doctrines we teach and twist them to half truths of what we believe and put a spin on it to sound outrageous.. There are plenty of scriptures noted on that link that i think explain the doctrine great..

I think opposite I think humans are born good but tend to be led away to do evil.. All men have the light of Christ, that is what our Conscience (sp?) is.. If we continally turn away from this light of christ our heart becomes hard and the light starts to leave us and that is why the "Conscience " no longer tries to guide them.

braap, let it go brother. He is just looking to pick a fight, not sincerely interested in understanding. While his intentions are good, the gospel of Christ will never be forced, it must be accepted under ones own free agency.