THE LIZARD
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out loud!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
was"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he has as pets. "He's
just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you
help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his
back,looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife. "Well, what do you want me to
do, post a sign in their cage?" (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!).
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me
(Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be
a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle
of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling,what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't
appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife
whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze,"
his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. What do you think, Doc, a C-section?"
I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.Cameron, may Ispeak to
you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
is a young male. Occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . .. um. . .
masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my
wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just . . just . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And then
even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would embarrass me like this. Tears were now running down her
face.
"It's just . . that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its .. .its .. .
.. teeny weenie . ."
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs.
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out loud!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
was"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he has as pets. "He's
just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you
help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his
back,looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife. "Well, what do you want me to
do, post a sign in their cage?" (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!).
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me
(Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be
a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle
of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling,what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't
appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife
whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze,"
his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. What do you think, Doc, a C-section?"
I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.Cameron, may Ispeak to
you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
is a young male. Occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . .. um. . .
masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my
wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just . . just . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And then
even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would embarrass me like this. Tears were now running down her
face.
"It's just . . that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its .. .its .. .
.. teeny weenie . ."
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs.
