Rebelling Teen

[Fosgate]

Rebelling Teen..Need Help!

Need some good advice. Dating an awesome gal with a 14yr old girl, about 3hrs away. Going through alot of stress right now trying to relocate back to be with her. And she is also with prepping to sell her house and we are having problems with her daughter. See she's been a single mom for some time going through grad school and teaching at a college. Over the summer the daughter met a boy at nerd camp that is 16yrs old. Seems he's a little bit of a know it all and since they've been hanging out she has gotten a severe case of adolescence toward her mother. She'd get mouthy in public and make statements to her mother how she thinks she's abused cause her mother doesn't let her have what she wants or do what she wants. She goes as far as to threatening to tell the school to get protection services in there and take her away to a family that will let her have her way. That freaks her out as would any parent. But it's gotten worse, 3 incidents she has punched, kicked and bruised her mother repeatedly. About a week ago the aunt and grandmother called BS and took her up to the farm for the weekend to confront her about her behavior. (Trust me guys, her mother is a loving woman and it is not abuse, it is a teen with a parent trying to be responsible). Anyway the assault has me really chapped. when I was 14 sure I was a little prick but I never laid my hands on my folks. Her mother is distrought that she raised such a person. But then I pointed out that this little 16yr old boy she is seeing may be the whole instigator so were trying to tacticaly sever her ties with him. But the mouth is continuing with her toward her mother and last night they went to a clinic cause she injured her knee (probably from kicking her mother). And when she was with the doctor she started to bring up a laundry list of stuff that she thought was wrong and has been painful for weeks but didn't bring it up cause of fear of making mom angry. Luckily the chiropractor has been with them for years and just shrugged it off cause he knew the 2 very well. This adolesence is really pissing me off but I don't want to get in her face about it. I look at it like with my step mother that she has never gotten in my face and we had a certain respect with one another when I was growing up. I want to let the girlfriend handle it, but it's taxing her heavily right now. Im half afraid of moving in and get accused of anything with her and I'm tempted that if I do have problems with her to send her off to a military school. I have no children of my own so walking straight into the adolecence phase is really got me cautious. how do you guys do it? what are some of the ways you dicipline your kids?

 

[Dogmeat]

I don't mean any offense to anyone, but it seems to me like the daughter is a pretty typical 14 year old girl, but the kicker is, she has apparently realized her mother won't stand up to her. Hence the "I'll report you to the cops crap".

If I were her mom, I'd tell her "fine, do it, and you aren't getting a single DIME from me for spending money"

You're gonna put yourself into the "You aren't my father so I don't have to do what you say" category and it's going to be hell for you and her.

It's her kid, she has to show her whos boss.

Kid probably needs counseling, but getting the kid to counseling is the hard part.

 

[niner49]

Dad

Where is the father in this situation?

 

[sky7051]

I feel for you man, I've counted my blessings daily with the two step children I have. I met my woman 5 years ago and we got together. My two boys and her son and daughter. Her kids are twice the age of mine so it an adjustment. Her daughter turns 16 this weekend and her son is 12 going on 21. Her daughter is extremely involved in church, god, youth group.... all that stuff so great distractor. Just some ideas I've seen help but not sure on your situation either. With the step daughter I seem to be able to get through to her easier than her mother, don't know if its cause I'm pretty stern and don't take the guff or what but we see eye to eye and thats the end of it. You might try taking the daughter on a hike or spendin some time just the three of you and you may observe things that'll help you deal with it. Just you being around them treat the daughter just like you would another woman, that'll help you get her attention and some respect. Then just try and pick up on things and figure out whats going on with her. I guarantee your right about the boy though, we've had our issues of late and all stem from some boy..... although after I ran into him at a Wal Mart things aren't so bad

 

[justadude]

Get her birth control!! NOW!! Because beyond that she can do what ever she pleases!!

 

[skidoorulz]

The first problem i see is, What the hell is her mom doing letting a 14 year old girl date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let alone date a 16 year old boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't either one of you remember what it was that 16 year old boys are after. Tell your freind to be a parent and if the spoiled rotten brat wants to go to SS let her. She'll find out with her attitude real quick what it will be like to be bounced from foster family to foster family. With her attitude not to many foster families would keep her to long.

 

[justadude]

These are the type of attidudes that create run away teens.
You have a choice, push her a way or at least keep her wanting to be around.

The first problem i see is, What the hell is her mom doing letting a 14 year old girl date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let alone date a 16 year old boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't either one of you remember what it was that 16 year old boys are after. Tell your freind to be a parent and if the spoiled rotten brat wants to go to SS let her. She'll find out with her attitude real quick what it will be like to be bounced from foster family to foster family. With her attitude not to many foster families would keep her to long.

 

[opus]

Get her birth control!! NOW!! Because beyond that she can do what ever she pleases!!

[bangs head on desk]

 

[skidoorulz]

These are the type of attidudes that create run away teens.
You have a choice, push her a way or at least keep her wanting to be around.

Thiis is the attitude that creates PREGNANT 14 year old girls! Be a parent stop trying to be a childs best freind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[niner49]

Thiis is the attitude that creates PREGNANT 14 year old girls! Be a parent stop trying to be a childs best freind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

14?? we just had a 12 year old give up a baby at a firestation!

http://www.fresnobee.com/local/story/985719.html

 

[cmantle1]

Thiis is the attitude that creates PREGNANT 14 year old girls! Be a parent stop trying to be a childs best freind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do you really think not letting a 14 year old "date" is gonna stop her from having sex? If anything that will probably push her to want to rebel against you more! Why not just accept the fact its prolly gonna happen one way or another, and have her educated and prepared?

My parents always told me the outcome of sex is a consequence of my actions, and those were my actions to choose. They also made sure i was safe and smart about....

In school highschool i remember 3 girls who got pregnant, all of thier parents had the "shes not like that, she doesnt date older guys, blah blah blah" attitude. Heres a thought, mabye if those girls had taken more precautions and had thier parents on the same level as them it wouldnt have happened....

 

[skidoorulz]

do you really think not letting a 14 year old "date" is gonna stop her from having sex? Why not just accept the fact its prolly gonna happen one way or another, and have her educated and prepared?

My parents always told me the outcome of sex is a consequence of my actions, and those were my actions to choose. They also made sure i was safe and smart about....

In school highschool i remember 3 girls who got pregnant, all of thier parents had the "shes not like that, she doesnt date older guys, blah blah blah" attitude. Heres a thought, mabye if those girls had taken more precautions and had thier parents on the same level as them it wouldnt have happened....

Here is the problem. You stated that those girls should have had parents on the same level as them. Wait a minute If you want to have kids then you need to be a parent. Being a parent does not mean that you are on the same level as your children. Children need to be taught what is right and what is wrong You steer your children in the right direction and more that likly they will always make the right decisions. There are still alot of good kids in this country and the majority of those kids have parents that are parents and role models. Not parents trying to be their kids best friend. And the kids who grow up as good kids dispite their parents usually have other positive influences in their life ie Teachers, Church, or other adults.

 

[cmantle1]

Here is the problem. You stated that those girls should have had parents on the same level as them. Wait a minute If you want to have kids then you need to be a parent. Being a parent does not mean that you are on the same level as your children. Children need to be taught what is right and what is wrong You steer your children in the right direction and more that likly they will always make the right decisions. There are still alot of good kids in this country and the majority of those kids have parents that are parents and role models. Not parents trying to be their kids best friend. And the kids who grow up as good kids dispite their parents usually have other positive influences in their life ie Teachers, Church, or other adults.

when i say on the same level i dont mean hanging around them all the time, but being able to talk about things like sex, drinking, etc.

when i think of steering kids in the right direction i think of educating them so they understand the risk they are taking, not forbidding it and treating it like something to not be talked about....

"still alot of good kids in this country"...Are you implying that kids who are sexually active are not "good"?

 

[skidoorulz]

when i say on the same level i dont mean hanging around them all the time, but being able to talk about things like sex, drinking, etc.

when i think of steering kids in the right direction i think of educating them so they understand the risk they are taking, not forbidding it and treating it like something to not be talked about....

"still alot of good kids in this country"...Are you implying that kids who are sexually active are not "good"?

Nope not implying that at all. Your opinion and mine differ, you talk about being able to talk to them about sex and drinking etc. I call that being a parent I never said anything about forbiding or treating something like it is not to be talked about. Talking about this stuff parent to child is being a parent not being at the same level. Kids will make mistakes. But given all the proper education and expectations most kids will always make the correct choice. And still in my opinion there is no way in HELL I would let my 14 year old daughter go on a date, period. Now that is not to say I would'nt let my daughter go to a movie with freinds (boys and girls) but there would be curfews and I would always give the impression that I might be at that same movie. And as the song says. I would be sitting on the front porch just cleaning my gun.

 

[Interceptor]

I have a 14 year old daughter and a 14 year old step daughter. First problem is the dating thing, which it is too late for. My girls have know for years that they are not going on any unsupervised "dates" until 16. To wait until they are dating and then make up a rule is not gonna fly.
The other problem is, you CANNOT be her main discliplinarian. All that you can do is back up her mothers (and fathers) position 100%. I have learned with my step daughter that I cannot change the way she was raised previously to this, only offer guidance and stick to the rules her mom has raised her with.
Im not sure If I have got that across the way I mean, pm me if you like.
Good luck - I know these times can be trying!

 

[cmantle1]

Nope not implying that at all. Your opinion and mine differ, you talk about being able to talk to them about sex and drinking etc. I call that being a parent I never said anything about forbiding or treating something like it is not to be talked about. Talking about this stuff parent to child is being a parent not being at the same level. Kids will make mistakes. But given all the proper education and expectations most kids will always make the correct choice. And still in my opinion there is no way in HELL I would let my 14 year old daughter go on a date, period. Now that is not to say I would'nt let my daughter go to a movie with freinds (boys and girls) but there would be curfews and I would always give the impression that I might be at that same movie. And as the song says. I would be sitting on the front porch just cleaning my gun.

What do you view as being the correct choice? i think thats where our views differ.

On a side note, i remember a date i went on i had to pick the girl up from her house. Her dad brought me in and sat me down, and then showed me his k-bar (i think thats it? big knife?) that he got when he was in special forces....kinda funny....

 

[skidoorulz]

The right choice is to not do anything that at 12, 13 ,14, 15,16 or even 17 that you as a child are not prepared to live with the consequences for the rest of your life.

 

[143777]

My husband is addicted to this site and is constantly wanting me to "come over here and read this." I have never felt the inclination to reply before, but this situation hits too close to home to not at least share. These are my opinions only, and you know what they say about opinions; they are like_______(fill in the blank) & everybody has one. Please do not move in with this lady until you have a forever commitment. This situation is going to be tough and it will take everything you have to stick it out. Mom needs to take a long look at what is and is not OK with her, from a parenting point of view. If you are going to be living there you should do this together. Make a list, put it in writing. Include language, attitude and behavior absolutes. Make a time to sit down all together and have a family meeting. Tell this young women what you expect (you being Mom and you), what rewards she can earn and what the consequences of not following the rules will be. Then - stick to it. If this young women ever lays her hands or feet on anyone again in anger she needs to be turned in to the local police. In our state it is fourth degree assault/domestic violence. Tough love, you bet. Remember what we need to show our kids first and foremost is a loving commited adult relationship. That is how they learn what they look like. Do not ever discipline this young women physically. Infact, just don't be alone with her until this is under control. Ever been accused of child abuse by an out of control teen? I have, and it stays with you FOREVER. Good luck!

 

[duffman]

Tough situation for sure. Her mother is a full time student (grad school no less), working, and dating. Even with the best intentions that doesn't seem like it leaves a lot of time for her daughter, thus she is acting out trying to get attention.

 

[rynokron]

Truth hurts but... She will always stick up for her Daughter no matter how miserable she makes both of you. I would find someone else without all the drama. Sorry, not trying to be mean. Been there.