You asked for it! The f@rt thread from the old forum!

[icr]

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.


At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f ing blanket.'



After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

 

[MARV1]

Funny chit, all the best of snowest.

 

[Jeff C]

I used to give my buddies "Cup-o-farts"

Grease off a nice SBD, then cup your hand capturing it in your fist then run over to a buddy and release it on his nose.

ANother one:

Last summer me and my brother took our families up to our parents cabin for a week in northern Minnesota.

We always take a sauna, and we get in the sauna when the thermometer hits about 220 or so. Well our sons (both 9 years old) decided to join us for their first sauna.

Well Tim, my son rips a fart off the cedar bench. It ricochets around the sauna and starts to smell real bad. For those of you who frequent saunas, you know it is a cardinal sin to fart in the sauna. A normal fart outside of a sauna is bad, but that same fart inside the sauna instantly ferments into something smelling like a 4 month old rotting corpse, buried in a swamp.


I say "Tim, thats a no-no in here, knock it off" my brother just laughs.

He keeps on doing it, and says "I can't help it!!"

We get towards the end of the sauna, and the taco meal our wives had prepared about three hours earlier decided to take issue with my intestines. I could feel my pelvic area begin to rumble and get distended like a starving child in the 3rd world.

Tim kept farting, and at this point I needed to teach the kids a lesson. Me and my brother went out of the sauna to mix another cocktail. While out there we hatched our plan.

We went back in and sat for another 15-20 minutes, showered up and just before we left, I let the most foul smelling fart I have ever smelled in my life. This fart had serious torque! I could almost feel my feet slide on the wet floor from the torque.

Me and my brother, run out of the sauna laughing our butts off, and hold the sauna door shut so the two little kids could not get out.

(At this point I felt like a Nazi death camp gas chamber door guard guy, listening to the inmates get their lives snuffed out by the poisenous gas inside)

They freak out, start gagging, yelling, and pounding on the door to get out.

We are luaghing so hard that I rip another one in the sauna dressing room. That room has a door on it as well, so we retreat out of that room and hold that door shut.

So the kids think they are safe by getting out of the sauna and into the dressing room. NOPE! Tim starts gagging again, and pounding on the door to get out of the dressing room.

Me and my brother were laughing so hard as we heard the kids pleading for their lives. We let them stew in the moist taco-fart laden air for a minute or so then let them out.

Needless to say, Tim now has better control over his turd cutter and has not farted in the sauna since.

Its one of those "Circle of life" moments I am sure he will repeat on his son someday.

 

[Jeff C]

Need some quick advice

I am sitting in my office right now, and have the door shut because I have been ripping off farts at a rate of one every few minutes.

If I open up the door to leave or go get some air freshener, the smell will shadow behind me and fill the room next to my office that holds some of my co-workers with the toxic plume.

I have nothing in my office to cut the smell at all. I think I might be hosed.

As I am sitting here writing this, I look above and see that I can take a few of the panels out of the false ceiling above me. I think I can cut the smell with the fresh air above the false ceiling, just enough to make a clean break.

(I am standing in my office wafting the air up into the false ceiling area with the ceiling tile)

I will minimize this post for a few minutes and check back in.........

+-5minutes has gone by


Whoops! that did not work!! I thought I had cut the odor enough with the fresh air from above, but I must have been stirring in my own rotten smell long enough so my sense of smell was comprimised.

I walked out of my office and stood in the warehouse to see if there was any reaction. As I was standing out there I polluted about 2,000 more square feet of air back there.

People started making comments:

"Oh goodness" - 54 year old lady (Our accounting gal)
"What the fawwk" - 33 year old service tech
"Who died?" - 39 year old co owner

That 33 year old service tech walked out into the warehouse where I was standing and smelled the toxic plume, shook his head, swore at me and walked out the door.


I laughed so hard, I have tears running down my face as I write this.

I must be demented or have a mental disorder of some sort. I am a 43 year old married guy who STILL thinks this sort of stuff is REALLY funny. I blame my kids! LOL

 

[xrated]

something is wron if we can't laugh at farts Jeff.....BUT why are you worried if you are in a warehouse? That's as fair game as cutting in a locker room.

 

[Jeff C]

It is a heated warehouse that people come out to pull parts off shelves and do work out there on most days. It just so happens that on Fridays, the warehouse is not used that much, so I thought I would be safe. It just-so-happens that when I got out there, nobody was out there. After I polluted the air, a few coworkers needed some parts off the shelves

 

[xrated]

well i have a patient....see if I can hold this stinker in.

made it through. felt worse then it was.

 

[Trukker]

Jeepers you are one funny MoFo......Thanks for the Friday Laugh!

 

[GYP M-80]

A PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN

6:00
Alarm.

6:15
Blowjob.

6:30
Massive dump while
reading the sports section.

7:00
Breakfast. Filet Mignon,
eggs, toast and tea.

7:30
Limo arrives.

7:45
Bloody Mary en route to airport

8:15
Private jet to Augusta Georgia.

9:30
Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.

9:45
Play front nine at Augusta,
finish 2 under par.

11:30 Blowjob

11:45
Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on
the half shell. 3 Heinekens.

12:15
Blowjob.

12:30
Play back nine at Augusta,
finish 4 under par.

2:15
Limo back to airport.
Drink 2 Bombay martinis.

2:20
Blowjob

2:30
Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas.
Nap.

3:15
Late afternoon fishing
excursion with topless female crew.

4:15
Blowjob

4:30
Catch world record light
tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.

5:00
Jet back home. En route,
get massage from naked supermodel.

7:00
Watch Sportscenter.

7:30
Dinner. Lobster appetizers,
1963 Dom Perignon,20oz. New York strip.

9:00
Relax after dinner with 1789
Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.

10:00
Have sex with two
18 year old nymphomaniacs.

11:00
Massage and Jacuzzi.

11:45 Go to bed.

11:46
One last blowjob

11:59
Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart.
Watch the dog leave the room.
12:00
Laugh yourself to sleep

 

[Bubba700]

GYP, LMAO I needed that right now

 

[GYP M-80]

ya I laughed so hard I farted when I read it!!

 

[Bubba700]

ttt

 

[summitguy98]

I am so glad someone saved the fart thread! I read the butt hair one to my wife and we both were rolling on the floor laughing. The best part was my little boy was looking at us like we were retards trying to figure out why we were laughing so hard.