no joke! obama lovers

[bonebreaker zack]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level.
You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican�.
"I am," replied the man.
"How did you know?"
"Well," answered the Balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct.
But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost.

Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat!"

"I am," replied the balloonist.
"How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow,

now it's my fault.

 

[bonebreaker zack]

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how
many of them were Obama fans.
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is,
but wanting to be liked by the
teacher, all the kids raised their hands
except for Johnny in the front row.
The teacher asked Johnny why he has
decided to be different.
Because I'm not an Obama fan.'
The teacher asked,
'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'
Because I'm a Republican.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.
Johnny proudly answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican,
so I'm a Republican.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked,
'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'

 

[sledmanhof]

hahaha....so true

 

[shortstop20]

LOL, I like the first one especially.

 

[Weekday Warrior]

I told a co-worker the joke about the balloon, she laughed and said "he's prolly a racist too"

 

[cubby]

I thought both were pretty funny

 

[Himark]

LOL....I needed a good laugh to start the day

 

[Skinner]

LMAO!!!! Nice!

 

[bonebreaker zack]

not related but a goody!
these two guys just got divorced
and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies, "I caught him in bed with my board!"

 

[bonebreaker zack]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW

and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

 

[bonebreaker zack]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they
wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.

They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five-year-old daughter, "Go tell your mommy
that daddy needs to type a letter."

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell
your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red
ribbon
in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.


A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type
that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy
said
never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

 

[bonebreaker zack]

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and s aw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Reached

Date: 24 May 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!


Your loving Hubby

 

[bonebreaker zack]

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: “Nice pigs, Sir.” The President replies: “These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.” The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: “Excellent trade, sir.”

 

[kssnow987]

Great Stuff

 

[Scott]

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: “Nice pigs, Sir.” The President replies: “These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.” The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: “Excellent trade, sir.”

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT's rich right there. HAHAHAHAHAHA git er done

 

[bonebreaker zack]

any one have one they wanna share?

 

[V-Man]

any one have one they wanna share?

Funny stuff!!

I just started a new thread with a pretty good one before seeing this thread. I'll put it here again anyway......

Do you know what happened 159 years ago this fall....back in 1850?

California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So, basically, nothing has changed except the women had real tits and
the men didn't hold hands.

 

[bonebreaker zack]

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50" The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

 

[woodpecker]

Funny Jokes - The IRS and the Rabbi

Internal Revenue Service sent their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor does all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with
the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to
the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the IRS."

" IRS?" questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "IRS..and about once a year,they send us a little prick like you."

 

[woodpecker]

ok one more

Bob stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What in hell is taking so long?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good lord," his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."