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News Headlines from 2029

I dusted off my crystal ball after Miss Cleo called me and found these,



Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.


Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Lichtenstein. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.



85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.


Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.


Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.


Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be regist ered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.


Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what...NOTHING will happen. No miracl es, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or be very very scared.


I Love This Country!

It's The Government That Scares Me!
 
Didn't you tell me that:

Illinois, in an attempt to save money, has done away with elections, and ballet counting, and just sells the congressional seats to the highest bidder. Many states considering similar legislation.

President Obama, now on his 5th consecutive term, as world president, has finally released his birth certificate. And, monument to his birthplace was shipped to Kenya. There are now 3 recognized religions, dedicated to him. Al Gore profits from all three.

Everyone has firearms at home, bullets are outlawed.

Windows 13 is released, with improved security.

Yellowstone, continues to spew lava, covering the park in 60 feet of lava. Environmentalist file suit to keep park closed to snowmobiles, due to it's unique and delicate eco-sphere. Snowmobilers give in, snow doesn't stick to molten lava.

Man hijacks plane with fingernail clippers, gets stabbed by passenger with mechanical pencil. Passenger arrested and now spending life in prison.

Study finds prison to be safest place to live.

Recently reintroduced sabertooth tigers, kill last remaining wolf.

Africa named a wilderness area.

After 150 years of saving the environment, the Sierra Club is put in charge of all public lands. Same day, all land is put up for sale as 10 acre ranchettes. All Sierra Club Members (investors) share profits.

World population reaches 10 billion.

Israel calls cease fire in latest Hamas fighting.

Jesus returns, watches CNN for 8 hours, and leaves earth without comment.

Tax on air introduced.

Timber cutting in Washington, results in Spotted Owl's recovery.
 
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