Just wanted to see how many funny jokes people can come up with.
Jokes!
- Thread starter bowhunterchick
- Start date
How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?
when her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil
when her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil
N
Nate
Well-known member
omg! i like them both. but i don't think that you use tampons there mule.
What do you get when you stand a blonde on her head?
A brunette with bad breath.
Know why women love Montana cowboys?
They think that ring in there pocket is a condom.
Kory
A brunette with bad breath.
Know why women love Montana cowboys?
They think that ring in there pocket is a condom.
Kory
What do you call a whore with a runny nose?
FULL!
Sorry I just love that old joke.
FULL!
Sorry I just love that old joke.
Where do one legged waitresses work??
Ihop
Cleanest one I can think of atm.
Ihop
Cleanest one I can think of atm.
SMART *** ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
SMART *** ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, " Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
SMART *** ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART *** ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART *** ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART *** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Two bonus extras:
#1. A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?" The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Well, then, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
# 2. A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never heard the shot..
SMART *** ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, " Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
SMART *** ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART *** ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART *** ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART *** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Two bonus extras:
#1. A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?" The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Well, then, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
# 2. A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never heard the shot..
A
augerin
Well-known member
Why do blind people not skydive...........................Scares the livin' schmit out of the seeing eye dog!
Blond girl calls 911, say's my neighbors house is on fire. The operator says "where's the house". The blonde replies "it's next door". The operator realizes she is speaking to a blonde and says "no how do we get there?" The blonde replies, "shaaaa, in the big red truck!"
Guy walk's into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down and starts eating the peanuts off the bar. Bartender says "hey you need to control your monkey" man replies "don't worry about it just add it to my tab". Then the monkey run's to the pool table and swallows the cue ball. The guy says "I'm so sorry add that to my tab also". Two weeks later the guy comes back in with the monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down picks up a peanut and sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bar tender says "what the heck, that was disgusting!" The man apologizes and says "ever since the monkey passed the cue ball he makes sure it fits before he eats it!"
And that's all for now!
Blond girl calls 911, say's my neighbors house is on fire. The operator says "where's the house". The blonde replies "it's next door". The operator realizes she is speaking to a blonde and says "no how do we get there?" The blonde replies, "shaaaa, in the big red truck!"
Guy walk's into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down and starts eating the peanuts off the bar. Bartender says "hey you need to control your monkey" man replies "don't worry about it just add it to my tab". Then the monkey run's to the pool table and swallows the cue ball. The guy says "I'm so sorry add that to my tab also". Two weeks later the guy comes back in with the monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down picks up a peanut and sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bar tender says "what the heck, that was disgusting!" The man apologizes and says "ever since the monkey passed the cue ball he makes sure it fits before he eats it!"
And that's all for now!
A blonde walks in to get her hair cut, the barber says miss you will have to take those headphones off so I can cut your hair. She gives a nod and then gets up and leaves. The next day she comes in again and the same story, he tells her then she gets up and leaves. The third day the barber got so mad he just pulled the headphones off, as soon as he did the blonde fell over dead. Still in shock he picks up the headphones and hears a recording, breath in, breath out, breath in...
how do you kill a blonde?
put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
You Must Be A Redneck If
* You recycle your own toilet paper
* Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad
* You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.
* You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."
* Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."
* The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.
* Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.
* You hunt from your bedroom window.
* Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
* You refrigerate your food stamps.
* You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.
* You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.
* Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.
* You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.
* You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.
* You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.
* You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!
* The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?"
* You take a beer to a job interview.
* You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.
* When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.
* You go to Goodwill to meet women.
* You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!
put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
You Must Be A Redneck If
* You recycle your own toilet paper
* Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad
* You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.
* You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."
* Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."
* The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.
* Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.
* You hunt from your bedroom window.
* Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
* You refrigerate your food stamps.
* You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.
* You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.
* Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.
* You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.
* You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.
* You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.
* You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!
* The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?"
* You take a beer to a job interview.
* You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.
* When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.
* You go to Goodwill to meet women.
* You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!
kid working in the produce dept of a grocery store when a man approaches him and he wants to buy a half a head of lettuce. The kid tells the "man no can do "but the man gets angry.He tells the man that he would talk to the store manager and heads to the back of the store. He sees his manager coming out of his office and says some a hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce. kid turns around and the man is standing right there and the kid says "and this gentleman would like to buy the other half."The manager tells the man "no can do "and says to the kid "way to think on your feet kid.We could use more people like you in this store. Where are you from?" "I"m from Minnesota sir" What made you leave there? the manager asked. "There's nothing but hos and hockey players in that state" the kid replied."Well my wife is from there "said the manager. "Really,what team does she play for."
Similar threads
