Joke

[Skidoox]

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.”

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “OK, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”

“That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?

The Jewish mother replies, “I don't like her.”

 

[leisureexpress]

????WTH???!!!!
I was in Walmart using the restroom ? and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said, “Hi! How are you?” Embarrassed... I said, “I’m aight!!" The voice said, "So what are you up to?” I said, “Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!” Then I hear, “Can I come over?” Annoyed... I said “Excuse me?!?!." Then the voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot in the next stall answering all my questions!!!! ???

 

[Skidoox]

An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"

"Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake."

 

[Skidoox]

Ma and Pa were on the porch and Pa said, " You know, Ma, I'd sure like a big bowl of ice cream."

"OK, Pa", she said, as she shuffled off toward the kitchen.

"Write it down," he said, "...you'll forget"

"Oh, Pa, don't be silly"

"Write it down" he said, "cause I want some chocolate syrup on it.", he insisted.

"Ice cream..with chocolate syrup" she said, as she walked into the kitchen. 10, 15, 20 minutes passed and finally Ma came out and handed Pa a big bowl of oatmeal.

"See, Ma, what'd I tell you....you forgot the toast."

 

[Ox]

POLITICIANS

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse
me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am."

The man below replied, "You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 49 and 50 degrees north
latitude and between 122 and 123 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is that I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be a politician."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in
the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault."



Adder - that location is not good terrain to be flying in a baloon!

 

[Skidoox]

 

[Skidoox]

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for our anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.

 

[Skidoox]

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.
I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.

They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.

After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.

At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested.

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.

 

[Skidoox]

Did I say he was dead?

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

 

[Skidoox]

Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

 

[Skidoox]

A woman walks up to an obnoxious drunk at a bar and tells him, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your drink."

The man replies, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

 

[leisureexpress]

 

[Skidoox]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

 

[Skidoox]

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send three astronauts to space for 2 years.

NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.

The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes.

Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.

First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.

Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German.

They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.

Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth.

He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, 'Has anyone got a friggin' match?'

 

[Skidoox]

Fish and Cat Story

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.
The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the ***** will get wet.

 

[Skidoox]

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the
greates doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

 

[leisureexpress]

 

[Skidoox]

A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology
professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided
the next time he did something offensive, they would all
stand up and walk out of his class.

Sure enough, at the very next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African natives. The professor leered and said, "You'll be
interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a cock twelve inches long."

The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door.

The prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls?
The next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"

 

[Skidoox]

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. As the game is getting ready to start, Bill stands up, picks up Hillary, and throws her out onto the field. When he sits down, his chief advisor leans over and says, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you have to throw out the first pitch."

 

[Skidoox]