Joke

[Skidoox]

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

 

[leisureexpress]

 

[Skidoox]

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr.Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr.Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr.Murphy but Mr.Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr.Murphy to his feet and Mr.Murphy falls to the floor in a heap. "Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr.Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car. He then drives to the address the bartender gave him.

He opens the passenger door and helps Mr.Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr.Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs.Murphy answers the door.

"Hi, Mrs.Murphy, Your husband had too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around...... "But where's his wheelchair?"

 

[leisureexpress]

I LOVE my job.


Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a 'WORST JOB EXPERIENCE' contest. Needless to say, she won! Read his letter below.



Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office… It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of the sudden my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't **** for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Now repeat to yourself,

"I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself…. IS THIS A JELLYFISH BAD DAY?

 

[Skidoox]

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

 

[Skidoox]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about we get it on?'...and she's always sound asleep!"

 

[Skidoox]

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her.
The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.

"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened.

So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.

By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.

"HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."

"What?? No I don't," she responds.

"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."

"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."

He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."

 

[Marty UT]

 

[Marty UT]

What do a G-string and a barbed wire fence have in common?
​

They both run along the property line without distracting from the view.

 

[Skidoox]

My daily prayer ...

Dear God, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.

I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!

But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you! Amen.

 

[Skidoox]

 

[Skidoox]

 

[Skidoox]

 

[Skidoox]

 

[Super 8]

 

[leisureexpress]

 

[Skidoox]

I was driving past my mother-in-law's home when I saw her being accosted by 5 men, who proceeded to try and rough her up.

My friend seated next to me asked, "Aren't you going to help?"

I replied, "No. They will have to survive on their own."

 

[Fosgate]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Skidoox]

Mike and Tina were married for some time. Lately Mike was in two minds whether Tina was a good wife to him. One day Mike took his donkey to a field near his house to get some work done. After a while he saw Tina come towards them with food for him, fodder for the animal and water for both of them. That instant he decided that Tina was a good woman after all.

But when Tina was feeding the donkey, the animal kicked her in the head killing her instantly. Mike was suddenly and sorry for what he had thought of Tina.

At the funeral his friend Dean saw some women looking at Tina and then at Mike. Mike moved his head up and down. Dean next observed some men look at the donkey and then at Mike who shook his head side by side.

Later Dean asked Mike what it was all about. Mike said, “Women looked at me to confirm Tina was a good wife and I said ‘yes'. Next men looked at me, which meant if the donkey was for sale and I said ‘No.'”

 

[Fosgate]

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.