Joke

[Skidoox]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed, Everything had been SO incredible! "You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. . . . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."

 

[Skidoox]

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table. "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."

"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare."

The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!!"

 

[Skidoox]

I have never made a fool of my mother-in-law,
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.

 

[Skidoox]

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.
"It had two saggy breasts, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.
"Oh, bugger!!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"

 

[Skidoox]

On our seventh wedding anniversary I broke out in hives...
I think they call that the seven year itch!

 

[Skidoox]

Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup. "I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.

"What makes you think that?" asks Quasimodo.

"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

 

[Skidoox]

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

 

[Skidoox]

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

“Well, what do you think?” his wife asked smiling.

“Next time,” he replied. “I'm writing to General Motors!”

 

[Skidoox]

A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, 'I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.'
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: 'I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear.
She immediately got up and said, 'okay, thank you'. She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, 'I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York.'

 

[Skidoox]

Q: Why did Smokey the Bear never have children?
A: Every time his wife got hot, he stamped her out.

 

[Skidoox]

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were travelling. The boy rode the donkey while the man walked.
In the first town they went to, the people all said; "How hard for that old man who has to walk!"
The two travelers heard this and decided that the boy should walk and the old man should ride.
In the next town, people whispered, "What a shame, he makes the little boy walk!"
So the pair decided that they should both ride.
In the third town, people all muttered about how cruel it was to make the donkey work so hard.
So the boy and the old man decided to carry the donkey.
On the way to the next town, they had to go across a bridge. As they walked across it, they slipped and the donkey fell in to the river and drowned.
The moral of the story is - If you try to please everyone, you will eventually end up losing your ass.

 

[Skidoox]

The good, the bad and the ugly...
Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give 'the birds and the bees' talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections

 

[Skidoox]

A wife reports, My Husband, not happy with my mood swings so he bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big frickin' red mark on his forehead.

 

[Skidoox]

If everyone grows up with high self-esteem, whos gonna dance in our strip clubs?

 

[Skidoox]

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

 

[Skidoox]

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well deserved complaining and self-pitying.
She moaned to her mom and her younger brother, "Nobody loves me...the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word... "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

 

[Skidoox]

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."
The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

 

[Skidoox]

I'm great at multi-tasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

 

[Skidoox]

Words of wisdom...
Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.
My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

Never be afraid to try something new, Remember amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.

Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

One of life's mysteries - How can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

 

[Skidoox]

A man was having marital problems. So he went
to his shrink. The shrink says, "When you get

home, throw down your briefcase, run to her,

embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours,

and make mad passionate love to her."

In two weeks he was back in the shrink's office.

The shrink asked "How did it go?"

He said, "She didn't have anything to say,

but her bridge club got a kick out of it."