Joke

[Skidoox]

What guys really mean...
'I'm going fishing.'
Really means... 'I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid
and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish
swim by in complete safety.'
'It's a guy thing.'
Really means.... 'There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making
it logical.'

'Can I help with dinner?'
Really means... 'Why isn't it already on the table?'

'Uh huh,' 'Sure, honey,' or 'Yes, dear.'
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.

'It would take too long to explain.'
Really means... 'I have no idea how it works.'

'I'm getting more exercise lately.'
Really means... 'The batteries in the remote are dead.'

'We're going to be late.'
Really means... 'Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like
a maniac.'

'Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.'
Really means....'I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner.'

'That's interesting, dear.'
Really means... 'Are you still talking?'

'Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love.'
Really means... 'I forgot our anniversary again.'

'You expect too much of me.'
Really means... 'You want me to stay awake?'

'That's women's work.'
Really means... 'It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.'

'You know how bad my memory is.'
Really means... 'I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle
Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I
forgot your birthday.'

'Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal.'
Really means... 'I have severed a limb, but will bleed to
death before I admit I'm hurt.'

'I do help around the house.'
Really means... 'I once put a dirty towel in the laundry
basket.'

'Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing.'
Really means... 'I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty
soon.'

'I can't find it.'
Really means... 'It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless.'

'What did I do this time?'
Really means... 'What did you catch me doing?'

'I heard you.'
Really means... 'I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well
enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at
me.'

'You look terrific.'
Really means... 'Oh, God, please don't try on one more
outfit. I'm starving.'

'I missed you.'
Really means... 'I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are
hungry and we are out of toilet paper.'

'I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.'
Really means... 'I'm lost. I have no idea where we are,
and no one will ever see us alive again.'

'We share the housework.'
Really means... 'I make the messes, you clean them up.'

'This relationship is getting too serious.'
Really means... 'You're cutting into the time I spend with
my truck.'

'I don't need to read the instructions.'
Really means... 'I am perfectly capable of screwing it up
without printed help.'

 

[Skidoox]

At a church meeting, a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.
"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and I had to either give it all to God's work or give nothing at all. So at that moment, I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
When he finished and moved toward his seat, there was an awed silence As he sat down, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him, "I dare you to do it again."

 

[Skidoox]

One of Microsoft's finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

 

[Skidoox]

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.

There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

 

[Skidoox]

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: 'Rest in Peace.'
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:
'Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!''

 

[Skidoox]

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

 

[leisureexpress]

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
Don’t mess with old people!

 

[Skidoox]

With his wife sick in bed, a man did the weekly supermarket shopping. By the time he reached the checkout, his cart was overflowing. Behind him in the line was a little old lady with just a loaf of bread and some butter.
He turned to her and said: "Is that all you have dear?"
Her face lit up, "Yes, it is."
"Well," he said, "if I were you I'd have a seat because I'm gonna be a while."

 

[Skidoox]

A jeweler was on his way to work when he saw a sign that said “Watch for children”...
He thought to himself, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

 

[Skidoox]

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, whom he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes EVER washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

"She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt quite apprehensive, but not wanting to offend, blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious, and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"

 

[Skidoox]

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.'
'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously.
He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!'
She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?'
'I'm Just Kidding!'
(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).

 

[Skidoox]

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

 

[Skidoox]

Ponderings Collection 36

It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

 

[Skidoox]

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old fart I had to share the room with?"

 

[Skidoox]

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

 

[Skidoox]

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.
Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for evening.
Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away!. Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Suddenly everyone became quiet...
After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked, "Wrong hole? What you mean wrong hole?"

 

[Skidoox]

there was a boy who liked a blonde and so one day he finally got the courage to ask her out. he said "would you go out with me?"
she looked confused and said "where we going?"

 

[Skidoox]

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”

 

[Skidoox]

The best part about dating someone who is overweight is, if its long distance, the distance is slightly less long. And gravity pulls you even closer. So, science really is working for you.

 

[Skidoox]

The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a stop button. He burbled on and on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience. Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him. It missed, and hit the Chairman instead.
As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heard to murmur, "Hit me again, I can still hear him."