whos got the jack

As I write this I am sitting on the front porch of Soda Butte Lodge in Cooke City, Montana digesting the mountain trout dinner I just inhaled across the street at the Beartooth Café. Jealous? Before you snowmobilers salivate too much, it’s the second week in August so I didn’t have to shovel snow from the chair I am sitting on and the only high marking I did today involved my motorcycle tire tracks on Beartooth Pass.
Being in the middle of at least part of snowmobile heaven, I began to ponder the best things added to snowmobiles in the last 41 years of my life. Fellow North Dakotan and author Chuck Klosterman assembled a list of essential “hair metal” albums in his excellent book Fargo: Rock City. Not only did he put together the list, he also tagged each selection with its specific “jack factor,” or how much money he would have to be paid to never listen to that particular album again. So, too, ahem, borrow from Mr. Klosterman, here is my list of some important snowmobile innovations of the last four decades, complete with my personal “jack factors” to never use any of these again.

1. Heated Hand Grips – Not sure what the history is here or which company was the first with these little gems, but I can pretty much say I will never ride without them. I first experienced these in the form of (then) $19.95 Hot Grips fitted on my 1980 Enticer 340 Deluxe. They made the headlights turn yellow, but it was totally worth it! Jack Factor: $1,500,000.

2. Carbide Runners – Right behind heated grips resides my other “essential,” a good set of carbides. I have too many flashbacks of sliding around on my Jag as a kid with round mild steel rods bolted to the bottoms of my skis and nothing else. 4-inch, 6-inch, 8-inch whatever, length only matters a little! Jack Factor: $16,000.

3. “Motocross-style” Handlebars – The first time I experienced straight bars that work was on a 1992 Yamaha Vmax-4 and they only got straighter and worked better. After experiencing Handlebar Nirvana, everything else felt like I was riding a wheel barrow. Jack Factor: $5,000.

4. Long Travel/Independent Front Suspension – This might surprise you, but the jack factor here is not as high as you think. Why? Because fun can still be had on a leaf spring sled. Now, if you’re riding with a bunch of guys on 2012s, you’ll stick out like prime rib at a PETA convention and probably feel like meat at the end of the day, so pick your friends wisely. Jack Factor: $2,200.

5. Oil Injection – We now take this for granted, but when Yamaha brought this to the states in the late ‘60s, we were smack in the middle of hauling around metal pints of Wynn’s premix oil and shaking our sleds back and forth like we were having a seizure. Pretty much the two stroke standard unless you’re into vintage sleds. However, see #3 for justification why 20:1 ain’t all bad. Jack Factor: $1,000.

6. Four Strokes – We’ve come a long way from 10 horse Kohler’s in our “305” Panthers. Big horsepower, fun to turbo, decent gas mileage, but as heavy as a rhino. Alas, there is still just something about a two stroke, except when the garage fills with blue smoke. They do make your jacket smell better, though. The cologne of winter. Jack Factor: $490.

7. Traction Studs – I am going to cheat here and not count my cross country racing excursions with this one. Prior to racing, I actually preferred riding without studs. I loved the feeling of railing around corners and being able to use the track spin to power slide. Plus, studs and snowmobiles sometimes don’t get along mechanically and the damage can get expensive. They work well, but I am indifferent. Jack Factor: $350.

8. Fuel Injection – I still remember the weird sound of turning the key on a 1991 Polaris RXL for the first time, hearing the pump whir, watching the red light out go out and, like magic, giving it one, count ‘em, one pull. Nice. I also remember the sound of my carbureted ride running on one cylinder because the left pilot jet was plugged solid. Pick your poison here: starts every time or starts after the carbs have been cleaned. I might be too easily bought here. Jack Factor: $180.

9. Heated Seats – I have heated seats on my motorcycle and now snowmobiles have them and I couldn’t possibly think of a good reason to turn them on. I have a hot rear, which is not to say I look like a ‘70s Rod Stewart in leather pants, but rather that my derrière needs no extra thermal assistance. Some people swear by them, I simply swear at them. Jack Factor: 1 cent.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy me out of most snowmobile-related bling, sorry to say. I do have my limits, however… There’s a vintage run coming up this winter and I’m still trying to figure out how to put Hot Grips and Sno Pro bars with a 4” riser on my ’65 Cat.