rewind whats in a name

Parents spend hours pondering names for their newborns. Despite this parental due diligence, some of us still cringe when we read names in the baby announcements section of the local newspaper. Naming snowmobiles must be kind of the same process with amazingly similar results.

Daring and dumb
There are, obviously, some cool brand names in snowmobiles. Some are no longer with us, but their memories still generate a wistful smirk on the faces of snowmobile fanatics.

Arctic Cat, Polaris and Ski-Doo are pretty cool names and not just because the brands survived. Scorpion was definitely hip, and who can forget Mercury's infamous Twisters? Some of the more neutral names belonged to manufacturers like Yamaha and Kawasaki who had these names long before they built sleds and had little choice on what to call themselves.

Unfortunately, not all snowmobile monikers were created equally. Some names were just plain silly. I realize it was a kids sled, but Wee-Ski?

Though I've never seen one, a Merrymaker sounds like a bubbly little ride to me, I can almost hear the old Mitch Miller singers in the commercial's background. When I hear the "Bonanza" theme, all that comes to mind is Lorne Greene and $5.99 sirloins, not snowmobiles.

I wonder, do you need to wear a flowerpot on your head a la Devo to drive a Whip-It? Long travel and rider forward was predated by something called a Manhandler. And could you imagine what your wife thought when you said you were going to get a Sno-Job?

What was with this S-N-O thing anyway?

I see a cartoon bubble of a wily marketing manager smugly snickering to himself, "Let's spell snow 'S-N-O,' they'll never think of that!" Two weeks later, roughly 2 million others decided to do the same: Sno-Bee, Sno-Blazer, Sno-Boss, Sno-Bug, Sno-Byke, Sno-Chief, Sno-Commander, Sno-Coupe, Sno-Craft, Sno-Dart, Sno-Flite, Sno-Fury, Sno-Ghia, Sno-Glide, Sno-Hawk, Sno-Jet, Sno-Job, Sno-King, Sno-Mite, Sno-Pac (Sno-Pack), Sno-Phantom, Sno-Pony, Sno-Prince, Sno-Shrew, Sno-Skoot, Sno-Squire, Sno-Star, Sno-Traveller, Sno-Trek and Sno-Twister. Considering the way some snowmobile stories go, the only one missing is Sno-Sh--. OK, I'll keep this G-rated.

Then there are the names that don't sound like snowmobiles. Isn't a Roll-O-Flex something you might buy at Lowe's? I think Diplomat sounds like a tobacco product, "at the end of a hard day, enjoy a refreshing Diplomat." Does a Moto-Loo have a built in toilet? One of my favorites was Stanaback… I bet you had to and should have.

Diversification also brought some interesting names to dealerships. I always thought Ariens Arrows should have come with an optional snow thrower on the front. Gilson, McCulloch and Wheel Horse all smell of a subsidiary company to me, come on fellas, think up an interesting name.

Department stores were always amusing. I didn't have a problem with Montgomery Wards, JC Penney and Sears selling sleds, they just didn't need to put their names on the hood. And Massey Ferguson built the Ski-Whiz. Ski-Whiz? Too many easy jokes there!

Massey did score some hip points when Scorpion started cranking out their iron. What would you rather break powder on, a Ski-Whiz or a Chinook? Tough choice.

Then there were the monikers that were cool, but destined to die. Chaparral has been used for everything from boats to dealerships to TV Westerns and it didn't make it. Rupp must have been too abrupt or maybe it sounded too much like a bodily function.

Moto-Skis suddenly became hip because if you didn't like yellow, you could get your favorite Ski-Doo model in red. Except Moto-Ski didn't have the porn-star look-a-like guy doing its magazine ads. Brut? Neat name, but why did they have to spell it like the cologne? Maybe there should have been a High Karate 440.

You name it
Model names? Forget about it.

Let's face it, there's a lot of anger and aggression in sled model names. Invader, Intruder, Avenger, T'nT, Thunder Jet, Nitro, Nytro, Liquifire, Vanquisher, Vigilante and Bull Whip, to name a few. These sound like if you weren't saving the universe, breaking into someone's house, setting fire to or blowing up something, or well-versed in S&M, you had no business riding a snowmobile in the '60s, '70s and '80s.

What's the alternative? Nice, passive names obviously didn't work either. What do you call a Lazy Boy with handlebars? Inviter.

Tom Clement was born and raised in Grand Forks, N.D., and has been involved in snowmobiling for 30 years as an enthusiast, dealer, would-be collector and observer. Besides being a college business instructor and writer, he enjoys spending spare time with his family, that is, when he's not finding innovative excuses to go riding.