rewind time to kill

Life's full of little alarm clocks, and today I'd like to hit the snooze bar. I just walked out my front door and was baptized by the rain gutter over the front porch. Not a good sign. Yes, time is ticking away on our favorite season.

Without proper diversions, a snowmobiler's off-season is about as fun as being stuck on a desert island with a Walkman and a Wang Chung CD. I'd prefer to spend the time off with my stack of AmSnow back issues, Mario Andretti/El Tigre poster gracing the wall, Buck Owen's box set and my sled in the middle of the living room. But last I checked, I can't get a 4-foot front door at Home Depot, and besides, doors don't come with divorce papers, so scratch that.

My father likes to exaggerate, "You've had a motor under your butt since the day you were born." Whether the motor was, in fact, beneath, fore or aft of my posterior, I've had the good fortune of being one with internal combustion engines for a long time. How-ever, I know dozens of hardcore snowmobilers that only ride sleds.

The biggest motorized thrill some riders get 8 months out of the year is being clothes-lined by a weeping willow in the backyard atop their 18-horse riding lawnmower. In other words, they have a pretty vacant piston-related existence. If you're lacking in ideas for the coming dark days, let me be of service.

April - No time to panic yet. Load up and head to the mountains, or if you're low on funds and live in an area where septic mounds are high elevation, find the north side of a tree line and turn what's left of the white stuff into mud slush.

May - Sun shining, flowers blooming, YUCK! The first month without viable sled options. You could get your machine out of the backyard and into the shed… nah!

June - Things will get uneasy. I suggest a long walk around a salvage yard. Looking at parted-out Sno Ponys, Allouettes and Vikings might make you forget about riding sleds for a few weeks.

July - Time to resort to substitution. Jump on your Jet Ski and use your imagination, but, for God's sakes, go into a back bay, if your neighbors see you in a wet suit and pack boots, they'll think you've lost it! No Jet Ski, no problem. Install a set of handlebar hooks and a tether cord to your rototiller, or just start the watercross circuit.

August - Things are getting sad. Go to the garage, sit on your sled and make noise. Some of you have the Rotax 800 twin sound down cold. You 4-stroke guys, keep working on it, I know you'll get it.

September - Salvation is in sight… The new AmSnow is in the mailbox and Hay Days is coming. The racing, the swap meet, the food, the swap meet, the displays, did I mention the swap meet? Enough fodder to keep you and your buddies arguing until November and enough junk to fill your gut and your pickup.

October - The countdown begins. Watch every Slednecks, Snow Motion and factory video you have, then, watch 'em again.

November - Get the horse out of the barn and feed it some hay! It's Duluth Snocross time. Dig out your jacket and breathe deeply. Your wife will never understand why she can't wash it.

There, there, chin up. A little ingenuity will make the off-season better than a weekend at the in-laws. I bet you never thought no snow could beat pink toilet seat covers and seeing your father-in-law in his boxers?

Tom Clement was born and raised in Grand Forks, N.D., and has been involved in snowmobiling for 30 years as an enthusiast, dealer, would-be collector and observer. Besides being a college business instructor and writer, he enjoys spending time with his family, that is, when he's not finding innovative excuses to go riding.