rewind head games

"A good helmet is like a good friend." I smiled knowingly as I overheard this comment while consuming a strangely satisfying plate of onion rings at Pinehurst Resort in Northwestern Minnesota. I dragged another ring through a puddle of ketchup and glanced down at my "friend" of nearly 8 years, an early '90s Shoei VFX-R Jeff Emig Replica motocross helmet with Troy Lee Designs' paint scheme, size XXL. Refusing to pay the original inflated retail (apparently along with everyone else) I bought it on a blowout deal in 1998 for $150, but a good deal wasn't the only reason.

First, my head is like a Kerr Mason jar; the top is bad enough, my cheeks and jaw are worse. A friend of mine, of Norwegian heritage, says I have a Norwegian farm-boy jaw. This explains very little and makes even less sense because I'm neither Norwegian nor a farm boy. My wife is Norwegian, but short of some kind of marital osmosis I can't see how this could make a difference either. My second helmet issue is that I am in the enjoyable category of being headache prone. I'm certain that when I'm dead, I'll still get headaches. In other words, I'm the helmet buyer's equivalent of a fussy eater.

The Shoei was literally one of two helmets that could be shoehorned over my coconut, and the fact that I bought a $300 helmet for 150 bucks was as no-brain as this no-brain gets. Besides, the '90s paint on the helmet is irresistibly tacky, resembling the results of eating a whole bag of jellybeans and consuming a case of Hamm's on a roller coaster ride. The redeeming feature of the helmet's very "colorful" paint job is a rather imposing looking bull on top, complete with the requisite bull horns, whiskers and a bandanna. Well worth the price of admission.

I've proceeded to take a mental inventory of all of the snowmobile helmets I've owned and have come to the conclusion that, despite holding title to upwards of a dozen, I've only owned three that I actually liked.

The first completely new helmet I ever had was an open face Arctic Cat that came with my 1980 Jag 3000 F/C. Thankfully, this was one of the last swings at green metal flake paint on a helmet, and it had a really cheesy photo (painting?) of a snowmobile on the back. After I sufficiently scratched the original Hydron flip shield, I had a hard time finding a decent replacement and was stuck with a Seer bubble shield that made me instantly understand what John Lennon meant by "looking through a glass onion;" a horrible shield for an otherwise mediocre helmet. One spring, this gem assumed an early retirement on the top shelf of a basement closet and remained there until meeting its ultimate demise in a pile of debris on the curb after a flood in 1997.

Next, the strangest helmet purchase of my life, a $29.99, black Bell Star copy from K-Mart, one of those oddly generic helmets with the socialist box that simply says "DOT Helmet." When combined with a pair of Super Seer double lens goggles, it quickly joined the short list of favorites. It was, to steal a phrase from Neil Peart's book Ghost Rider, "cheap and worth it." Fortunately, I never earned the opportunity of testing out its cranial security features, and to this day I cannot remember what the hell happened to this helmet.

Somewhere in the helmet lineup came the infamous Bell Wedge, quite possibly the worst, best selling snowmobile helmet ever made. Worst because it weighted 100 lbs., leaked air like a punctured tire and as a result, sounded like a 100-watt seashell at 50 mph. The Wedge was quickly inducted into the helmet hall of shame in the closet and I migrated to number two on my favorites list: a black Yamaha Sno-Force. The Sno-Force was a unique piece for a variety of reasons, one being it's the only hunk of gear with "Yamaha" on it that Polaris and Arctic Cat owners in Northwestern Minnesota were allowed to wear without the threat of death or dismemberment. The Sno-Force was also probably the best snowmobile helmet Lazer ever made, and it didn't even have their name on it. Sno-Force helmets were super lightweight, quiet, comfortable, Snell approved and, initially, reasonably priced. How could you go wrong? I liked Sno-Force helmets so much I "didn't go wrong" three times.

After much propaganda and pressure from riding partners, I finally tried out a motocross helmet in 1996. I was instantly smitten with a) being able to see almost 180 degrees, b) no more fogging and c) looking somewhat cool for the first time in 20 years of riding snowmobiles. The cool factor with motocross helmets, of course, comes from not looking like you have the top of an airport terminal trash can on your head. You know the ones that look like R2D2 with the silver doggie door that says "Push." With a few minor internal modifications and perhaps a breath deflector from another helmet, a motocross helmet is a wonderful thing, at least above 0 degrees Fahrenheit.

I've only tried once in the last 8 years to replace my Shoei helmet. I bought a black AGV motocross helmet and proceed to have an artist paint the album cover of King Crimson's "In the Court of the Crimson King" on the back. It looked boss, but alas, my oil barrel head factored in and after wearing the AGV twice, it gave me such headaches I had to sell it on Ebay. So, as I stare at my Shoei VFX-R Jeff Emig replica, the words ring in my head, "a good helmet is like a good friend." Unfortunately, my late father-in-law's dulcet tones are protesting "don't love something that can't love you back!" Sorry Jim, I have a date to go ride Strawberry Mountain Road one more time, but don't worry, we're "just friends."