Haha, you're tying two granny knots with a loop and it ain't happenin!
I'm not sure why I'm writing this but my fingers are just going for it... Even if you had all of the variables sorted (which is completely insane), this would take hours to manually calculate for a single RPM value. In a mechanical design setting, this would be modelled and those values could be graphed. I don't have those models and I'm not interested in drafting it. Oh, and it has precisely 5/4ths of f*** all to do with the original thread.
The logical solution is clear. Load sled, headlamps, snack. Drive 30 minutes... smash trees til midnight!