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Thought y'all should read this in case you're
thinking of installing an electric fence!
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the
backyard, and a few months ago, I heard
about burglaries increasing dramatically in
the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I
got an electric fence and ran a single wire
along the top of the fence. Actually, I got
the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply
had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used
an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into
the ground.
The ground rod is the key, with the more you
have in the ground, the better the fence
works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my
cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp Big Wheel push
mower.
The hot wire is broken and laying out in the
yard.
I knew for a fact that I unplugged the
charger.
I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it, to throw it out of
the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to
unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the
running lawnmower in my right hand and the
1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand.
Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a
marine battery and has a picture of an upside
down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my cajones trying to
climb up the front side of my body. My ears
curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of
my brain.
Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled
over, I could feel the spark in my head. I
was literally at one with the engine.. It
seems as though the fence charger and the
"piece of crap" lawnmower were fighting
over who would control my electrical
impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut
at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only
did I do all three at once, but my bowels
emptied 3 different times in less than half of
a second.
It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement,
where time is creeping along and you're all
leaned back and "BAM, BAM, BAM" you
just crap your pants 3 times; It seemed like
there were minutes in between, but in reality
it was so close together it was like exhaust
pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8
grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe
2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.
My hand is wrapped around the wire palm
down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm
so I know all about electric fences... but
Dad always had those "piece of crap"
chargers made by International or whoever
that were like 9 volts and just 'kinda
tickled. This I could not let go of.
The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the
permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.
At this point I'm
thinking I'm going to have to just man up
and take it, until the lawnmower runs out
of gas.
Damn!, I think, as I remember I just filled
the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to
run rough. It has settled into a loping run
pattern as if it had some kind of big
lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, sweat, and with my
cajones on my chest, I think 'Oh God please let
me die... pleeeeze let me die'.
But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy
cam idle nicely
and remains there, like a big
bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go
command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104
degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own
backyard, begging God to kill me. God did
not take me that day... he left me there
covered in my own fluids to writhe'in the
misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from
the wire... I woke up laying on the ground
hours later.
The lawnmower was beside me, out of
gas.
It was later on in the day and I was
sunburned. There were two large dead grass
spots where I had been standing, and then
another long skinny dead spot were the wire
had laid while I was on the ground still
holding on to it. I assume I finally had a
seizure and in the resulting thrashing had
somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically
induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my
feet and my right butt cheek (not the left,
just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed
together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a champ now.
Seriously! I think our little session cleared
out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was better than new after that.
7- My gonads are still smaller than average
yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the Game Room
by farting while thinking of the number 4
(still don't understand this!)
That day changed my life. I now have a new found
respect for things. I appreciate the little
things more, and now I always triple check to
make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to
come over the fence, I can clearly visualize
what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over,
which also reminds me to triple check before I
mow.
Thought y'all should read this in case you're
thinking of installing an electric fence!
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the
backyard, and a few months ago, I heard
about burglaries increasing dramatically in
the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I
got an electric fence and ran a single wire
along the top of the fence. Actually, I got
the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply
had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used
an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into
the ground.
The ground rod is the key, with the more you
have in the ground, the better the fence
works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my
cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp Big Wheel push
mower.
The hot wire is broken and laying out in the
yard.
I knew for a fact that I unplugged the
charger.
I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it, to throw it out of
the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to
unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the
running lawnmower in my right hand and the
1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand.
Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a
marine battery and has a picture of an upside
down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my cajones trying to
climb up the front side of my body. My ears
curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of
my brain.
Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled
over, I could feel the spark in my head. I
was literally at one with the engine.. It
seems as though the fence charger and the
"piece of crap" lawnmower were fighting
over who would control my electrical
impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut
at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only
did I do all three at once, but my bowels
emptied 3 different times in less than half of
a second.
It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement,
where time is creeping along and you're all
leaned back and "BAM, BAM, BAM" you
just crap your pants 3 times; It seemed like
there were minutes in between, but in reality
it was so close together it was like exhaust
pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8
grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe
2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.
My hand is wrapped around the wire palm
down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm
so I know all about electric fences... but
Dad always had those "piece of crap"
chargers made by International or whoever
that were like 9 volts and just 'kinda
tickled. This I could not let go of.
The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the
permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.
At this point I'm
thinking I'm going to have to just man up
and take it, until the lawnmower runs out
of gas.
Damn!, I think, as I remember I just filled
the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to
run rough. It has settled into a loping run
pattern as if it had some kind of big
lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, sweat, and with my
cajones on my chest, I think 'Oh God please let
me die... pleeeeze let me die'.
But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy
cam idle nicely
and remains there, like a big
bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go
command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104
degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own
backyard, begging God to kill me. God did
not take me that day... he left me there
covered in my own fluids to writhe'in the
misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from
the wire... I woke up laying on the ground
hours later.
The lawnmower was beside me, out of
gas.
It was later on in the day and I was
sunburned. There were two large dead grass
spots where I had been standing, and then
another long skinny dead spot were the wire
had laid while I was on the ground still
holding on to it. I assume I finally had a
seizure and in the resulting thrashing had
somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically
induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my
feet and my right butt cheek (not the left,
just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed
together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a champ now.
Seriously! I think our little session cleared
out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was better than new after that.
7- My gonads are still smaller than average
yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the Game Room
by farting while thinking of the number 4
(still don't understand this!)
That day changed my life. I now have a new found
respect for things. I appreciate the little
things more, and now I always triple check to
make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to
come over the fence, I can clearly visualize
what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over,
which also reminds me to triple check before I
mow.
