Sven and Ole

[AkMike]

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Duluth. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere." says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pays for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Two Harbors.

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute who's been to the pet shop too, arrives at the cliffs. He walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag and a shotgun. "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot and continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag and pulls out a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down and hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head...."First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting.,.and now Lars hengliding . . .

 

[Cheekster]

on the way to the home..

Sven and Inga come upon a family of skunks crossing the road.
Sven mistakenly runs over the mother, but stops to pick up the baby skunks.
Sven tells Inga "Jus put dem in ur lap"
Inga says "What da bout da smell "??








Sven says


Dell get usda it

 

[HawkShot99]

 

[H2SNOW]

gooders

 

[ArcticBoy]

Sven and Ole waik into a lumber yard. We need some 4x2's for our shed they tell the clerk. How long to you want them, he asks. Ohh I suppose we'll be needing them all summer.

 

[augerin]

Bring on the joke's, cause we cant even get to the snow here in Wa.. The passes are all closed and the snow just keep's piling up. Maybe there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.

Good one's

 

[Abominable]

A couple was looking through their new home with Ole the contractor, picking out wall colors for the various rooms. They went into the living room first, said they'd like to have it in a pale green. Ole wrote something down on a pad, then went to the window and yelled, "Gren sida oop!"

They went on into the kitchen, where the couple chose a light clay color for the room. Again the Ole wrote something on a pad, went to the window, and yelled " Gren sida oop!"

This continued from room to room, upstairs and downstairs - all through the house until they were finished. Finally, the husband couldn't contain himself any longer, he had to find out what was going on.

"I'm confused," he said. "Every room we've gone to, we've picked out a particular room color, you've written on a pad, then gone to the window and yelled, "Gren sida oop! Now, I know a little Swedish and we didn't choose green in any room. What's going on?"

"Oh!", said Ole, "I've got Sven out der layin' sod for me."

Sven and Ole are walking home from the tavern late at night and they head down the railroad tracks, and Sven says, "This is the longest flight of stairs I ever climbed in my life."

And Ole says, "Yeah, it's not the stairs that bother me so much, it's these low railings."

"Mama, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?"
"No, it's because you're NINETEEN."

So Ole got a car phone and on his way home on the freeway, he calls up Lena and he says, "Oh, Lena, I'm calling you from the freeway on my new car phone."

And Lena says, "Be careful because on the radio they say that some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway."

And Ole says, "One nut ---- heck, there are hundreds of them!"

 

[AkMike]

Meet Ole's wife Lena.


Lena & Ole

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?" "Just a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Swede and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," said Ole.
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight inshoorance!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars: "Ole, stand in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working."
Ole: "Yah, No, Yah, No, Yah, No, Yah, No...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.
Giggling, Lena said,"Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come," asked Lars?
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole said, "No, I'm Swede, and my name isn't Valter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Stillwater, Minnesota. The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's said, "Ole...What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked." "Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Sven's for his birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas boys and girls."
"Is that right?", his policeman friend asked.
"Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Sven, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!'
So vee all go into the bedroom.... where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!'
"Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!'
"Oh, my!", exclaimed the policeman.
"Yah, Yah. I guess I'm the first vahn here".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole was stopped by a game warden in Northern Wisconsin recently leaving a lake well known for its Walleye. He had two buckets of fish. As it was during the spawning season, the game warden asked, " Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
Ole replied, "No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Ya sure, you betcha." answered Ole. "Every night I take dese fish here down to da lake and let dem svim around for a while. Den I vhistle and dey yump back into deir buckets and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey. Fish can't do that." Said the game warden.
Ole looked at the game warden with an _expression of great hurt, and then said, "Yumpin Yimminy! Vell den, I'll just show you den. It really does vork, don'tcha know?"
"O.K. I've got to see this!" The game warden was really curious now.
So Ole poured the fish into the lake and stood waiting. After several minutes, the game warden turned to Ole and said, "Well?"
"Vell what?" responded Ole.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?" asked Ole.
"The fish!"
"What fish?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To those in North Dakota, Minnesota, and for that matter the rest of the country, including Canada, I must report the sad news that Ole was shot.
He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are you doing?"
Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!"
Ole is survived by his wife Lena and Lena's good friend Lars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[AkMike]

Vait! Dere's More!

Nils showed up at the cliff with a huge doghouse bass fiddle. "Hey Ole! Vatch dis!" Hurling himself off the cliff with the fiddle, he straddled it in midair and rode it right down to the bottom where he went in with a deep BOOM! Ole looked down, sadly shook his head and said "Dis bass yumping is for de birds, you betcha!"

 

[SAWYER]

hahahaha

 

[Gromit]

Lars Olafsen's Laundry

This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign "Lars Olafsen's Laundry."

"Lars Olafsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Lars Olafsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers "Is name of owner."

The visitor asks, "Well, who is the owner?"

"I am he," answers the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Lars Olafsen?"

The old man replies:

"Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blond Norwegian. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Lars Olafsen.' She look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.'

 

[Gromit]

21st Brithday

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly downed! Sven just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so vhy can't I valk across da lake like my fadder, his fadder, and his fadder before him?

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb a$$, yer fadder, grandfadder and great grandfadder ver born in Yanuary, you ver born in Yuly."

 

[Scott]

LMFAO...I love these Swede jokes.

You can always tell a Swede, but you can't tell him much.

Ole and Olga were drivin down the road and Olga exclaims "Ole, yah hafta pull over. I've got ta pee."

Ole finds a good spot and pulls over so Olga could hop out. Olga looks around and says "Ole, dere's not a good spot fer me ta pee here. Ver shood I go?"

Ole looks around and says, "Olga, yast valk out dere on daht railroad breedge and yast pee in da vater."

Ole walks back to the car and sits down. A few moments later he hears a blood curdling scream. Ole jumps out of the car and runs out to the middle of the bridge to check on his dear Olga.

He says "Olga, yumpin yimmeny, vat is da matter? You screamed so loud I could hear you clear back in da car."

"Vell, Ole, I'll tell ya vat is da matter." Olga says. "When I valked out here on dis bridge and pulled my britches down, I sqvatted right here ta pee, when I looked down in da vater, dere vas a little man dawn dere in a canoe looking up at me. He scared da pee right outta me. I mighta got some on him."

Ole looked down at the water below and looked back at Olga and said "Nah, Olga, dere's no man in a canoe down dere. Dat's yust yer reflection."


Our former Gov. Marc Racicot told that one on a sledding trip in Surveyor, back when he was the Atty General. HAHA (His brother was my HS teacher and football coach.)