S
speeddemon
Well-known member
THIS IS PRETTY NASTY....BUT FRICKEN HILARIOUS!!!!!!!
>
>
>
>
> We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
> in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As
> much
> as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
> inevitable.
> For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide
> for
> taking a dump at work.
>
>
>
> *CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
> the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but
> doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not
> stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
> make sure the smell has left your pants.
>
>
>
> &n bsp;*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
> and
> check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
> and
> come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
> become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
> bathroom.
>
>
>
> *ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop
> in
> a stall. T his is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
> embarrassment.
> If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
> happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the
> urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
> uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
> parties feel uneasy.
>
>
>
> *JAILBREAK* When f orcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
> gun
> pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
> should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
> left
> the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>
>
>
> *COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
> hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to
> stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid bein g caught doing the
> WALK OF SHAME.
>
>
>
> *WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
> you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
> moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
> pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
> the COURTESY FLUSH.
>
>
>
> *OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is
> Doggone
> proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
> bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
> around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
> bathroom.
>
>
>
> *THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band
> together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
> group can help&n bsp;you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The
> Closet
> Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>
>
>
> *SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
> you
> can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
> opposite sex. Th is will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
> entering
> the bathroom.
>
>
>
> *TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you a re in the stall
> and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
> vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
> occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
> you
> will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
>
>
>
> *CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
> bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to c over-up a
> WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
> used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
>
>
>
> *SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential
> Turd Burglars that you are o ccupying a stall. This will remove all
> doubt
> that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the
> bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
>
>
>
> *WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
> water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
> coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>
>
>
> *HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
> splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
> using
> a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
>
>
>
> *AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around
> forever...Could
> spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
> the
> pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper,
> as
> you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
>
> This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees
>
>
>
> SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF
>
> The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It
> doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from
> straining so hard.
>
>
>
> Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
>
>
> Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
>
>
>
> Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush,
> it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop
> usually
> happens at someone else's house.
>
>
>
> The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your r ear
> before
> it falls into the water.
>
>
>
> The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so
> long your legs go numb from the waist down.
>
>
>
> The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when
> you're
> trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
>
>
>
> The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you
> flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
>
>
>
> NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
>
> QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
> in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As
> much
> as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
> inevitable.
> For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide
> for
> taking a dump at work.
>
>
>
> *CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
> the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but
> doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not
> stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
> make sure the smell has left your pants.
>
>
>
> &n bsp;*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
> and
> check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
> and
> come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
> become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
> bathroom.
>
>
>
> *ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop
> in
> a stall. T his is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
> embarrassment.
> If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
> happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the
> urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
> uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
> parties feel uneasy.
>
>
>
> *JAILBREAK* When f orcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
> gun
> pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
> should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
> left
> the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>
>
>
> *COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
> hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to
> stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid bein g caught doing the
> WALK OF SHAME.
>
>
>
> *WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
> you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
> moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
> pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
> the COURTESY FLUSH.
>
>
>
> *OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is
> Doggone
> proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
> bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
> around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
> bathroom.
>
>
>
> *THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band
> together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
> group can help&n bsp;you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The
> Closet
> Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>
>
>
> *SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
> you
> can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
> opposite sex. Th is will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
> entering
> the bathroom.
>
>
>
> *TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you a re in the stall
> and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
> vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
> occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
> you
> will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
>
>
>
> *CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
> bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to c over-up a
> WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
> used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
>
>
>
> *SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential
> Turd Burglars that you are o ccupying a stall. This will remove all
> doubt
> that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the
> bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
>
>
>
> *WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
> water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
> coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>
>
>
> *HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
> splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
> using
> a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
>
>
>
> *AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around
> forever...Could
> spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
> the
> pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper,
> as
> you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
>
> This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees
>
>
>
> SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF
>
> The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It
> doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from
> straining so hard.
>
>
>
> Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
>
>
> Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
>
>
>
> Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush,
> it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop
> usually
> happens at someone else's house.
>
>
>
> The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your r ear
> before
> it falls into the water.
>
>
>
> The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so
> long your legs go numb from the waist down.
>
>
>
> The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when
> you're
> trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
>
>
>
> The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you
> flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
>
>
>
> NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
>
> QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS
>
>
>
