Jokes

[thomps33]

We need something to lighten up the mood in this forum. I'll start out.

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,


"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"

 

[Skinner]

LMAO!!! Duh!

 

[One]

The AP and UPI reported that the French government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP)
Paris, March 5, 2003
The French government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, causing the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

 

[thomps33]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. .. . ... . ..

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

[SAWYER]

lmao

 

[holman6336]

LMAO...the blonde one is classic. One, that's awesome.

 

[Sidehiller]

Two midgets win big in Vegas, so they get a two bedroom suite in the newest hotel. After a fine dinner they decide to get two hookers. Bill gets his lady of the night in bed, then starts feeling guilty about his wife back home and couldn't perform. To make matters worse he could hear Bob in the next room shouting 1, 2, 3 UGH! 1, 2, 3, UGH!
Bob went on like this till 4 in the morning.
At breakfast the next morning Bill says "I am so ashamed - a beautiful woman bought and paid for and I couldn't get it up last night"
Bob replied "You think that's embarrassing, I couldn't even jump up on the bed!"

 

[One]

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND JOB: $500.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

 

[thomps33]

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND JOB: $500.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

bwahahaha! that's some good stuff!

 

[SAWYER]

hahaha. that's a gooder one

 

[thomps33]

and then the fight started

My husband just sent this to me and I though you all might get a kick out of it.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace
expensive...so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order
first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to h er husband, 'I
feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in
bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

 

[Abominable]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He notices the man sitting next to him is looking into a box. After a while, his curiosity gets the best of him, so he leans over and looks into the box. Inside is a miniature man playing a miniature piano. "... that's amazing, where did you get it?", he asked. His barmate answers, "This is my wish. There's a genie out back in the alley and he is granting wishes."

The guy finds this hard to believe, so he walks out back to the alley, and to his surprise, there is a genie. The genie asks him what he would like to have for a wish, and the guy answers, "I would like to have a million bucks!" Then suddenly, there are a million ducks flying around his head, quacking and flapping their wings.

He goes back into the bar and says to the barmate, "That's a poor excuse of a genie! I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million DUCKS!" His barmate turns away from the box he's looking into and replies, "The genie's hard of hearing, you didn't really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

 

[adrenaline junkey]

lmao bunch of gooders here

 

[mynameislance]

An old cowboy stops at a bar to have a drink. After he's been there about 30 mins or so he decides to head home, but when he walks outside his horse is missing. He goes back to the bar kicks the door open and stands in the doorway slowly looking around at everyone. Then he slowly walks back to the bar, giving every person he passes an angry glare. By now it's dead quiet in there and everyone is watching him. He pulls his pistol out and slams it on the bar and says,"Now listen here...I'm going to have one more beer and when I walk outside which ever one of you no good pieces of sh!t took my horse better have put him back exactly where he was or else I'm going to have to do what I did down in Texas!!!". He finishes his drink without saying a word, slowly puts his pistol back in the holster and proceeds out the door with a few curious people following him. When he gets outside there sits his horse exactly as it was. As he's getting on his horse the few that followed him ask,"What did you do down in Texas?" The cowboy spits out his cha and looks over at them, smiles and says,"I walked home"

 

[mynameislance]

Note on fridge from husband:

"Honey, someone called from the Gyna Colleges. They said something about the Pabst Beer was good, I didn't know you liked beer."

 

[mynameislance]

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on
13."

Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales." He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you