joke

[woodpecker]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper
than a Doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm
in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two
weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Walmart.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Walmart eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your
elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Walmart.

 

[woodpecker]

I'm bored!

THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.....

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, who cleans up and who has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

 

[woodpecker]

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together for people over 50:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. In-line skates and a walker





Two guys are moving about in a Wal-Mart when their carts collide. One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ***. What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind, let's look for yours!"







It Could Happen.....

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal, in a convertible sports car, for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse, in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?" The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."





Marketing 101

Several friends have asked for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following examples will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Spam.

 

[woodpecker]

Catholic mothers

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."






A woman went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly
departed husband.

The instant she saw him she started crying.

One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber
moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her
dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to
be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they
always put the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could
arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one
last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When
the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through
her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you
get that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your
husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife
explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be
buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the
heads."






Two mothers are talking about a friend who has just given birth to
triplets.

"You know, that only happens one in 12,000 times," says one.

"Amazing," says the other. "How did she ever find time to do any
housework?"





You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When...
*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you

*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked

*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

*You sleep with your eyes open

*You have to watch videos in fast-forward

*You lick your coffee pot clean

*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze

*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse

*You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

*You can jump-start your car without cables

*Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"

*You don't sweat, you percolate







Olie's Chinese Restaurant

You know how every now and then you find an incongruity in business
names?
Well, here's a doozy. "Olafsen's Chinese Restaurant" Upscale
restaurant, too, that had obviously been in business a while. I asked myself
what on earth someone of obvious Norwegian heritage was doing opening up a
Chinese restaurant, unless maybe it was by marriage.

Ate there and it was delicious. Asked the Maitre D', who was obviously
oriental, about the name. Turns out he was the son of the owner.

When his dad was a young man he emigrated to America. As he was standing in
line for immigration services the employee was taking names and filling out
the forms for the people who didn't write English. He had just finished with a
Norwegian group, moved down to his dad and asked his name and he told him:

Sam Ting.

And the rest is history.

 

[woodpecker]

I"m done last one

Blue Necks are Northerners -- the opposite of Rednecks. Because of
Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners (or
how Northerners sometimes think of themselves
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF... ..Instead of referring to two or more
people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
..You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
..You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.
..You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the
road. (e.g., boiled peanuts, not road kill, Dummy!)
..You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce correctly.
..For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.
..You don't know what a moon pie is. You have probably never watched a moon pie
in a microwave. Awesome!
..You've never had an RC Cola.
..You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.
..You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
..You have no idea what a polecat is.
..You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.
..You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV
fishing show.
..You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes."
..You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show.
.. You have never been hep'd.
..You think more money should go to important scientific research at your
university than to pay the salary of the head football coach
..You have never gone to a family reunion to pick up women.
..You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
..You couldn't find the eye of the stove if your life depended on it.
..You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
.You have more than one professional sports team in your home state.
..You call binoculars opera glasses.
..You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road
and stopping.
..You can't spit without opening your mouth.
..You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye
Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)
..You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Freddie,
Johnnie, Jimmie, Ricki)
..You don't have Maw-maw's, Me-maws, Pawpaw's or Pappaw's.
..You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
..None of your fur coats are homemade.