Install the app
How to install the app on iOS

Follow along with the video below to see how to install our site as a web app on your home screen.

Note: This feature may not be available in some browsers.

  • Don't miss out on all the fun! Register on our forums to post and have added features! Membership levels include a FREE membership tier.

Joke of the day!

Thread Rating
5.00 star(s)
T

TheFlyingFynn

Free Member
Osama Bin Laden....Joke
(sent in by brykris)

Trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up.Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with: Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His p*nis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.
 
Peeing in the Bushes




A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out
of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of that bag...

'Damn!' says the little old lady ... 'I'd better go back and see if I can
find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? Did
you steal it?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my yard backs up to the sixth
fairway of the Municipal Golf Course. A lot of golfers come and pee in the
bushes, right into my flower beds!'

So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time
someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: '$20 or off it comes!
'

'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in
the other bag?'

'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay.'
 
Joke

Two friends go out to a club. One friend with a wooden eye says that he's nervous about girls making fun of him. His friend tells him not to worry.

When they get into the club, the wounded friend gets up enough courage to ask a girl if she'd like to dance.

Excited, she says, "Would I?!" :rolleyes:
 
The Yokel

This yokel was applying for a job and was being asked the normal questions; Name, age, sex, address, etc.
The interviewer asks him for his father’s name and his mother’s maiden name.
What do you mean maiden name? The yokel asked.
What was your mother’s name before she was married?
None he replied, what do you mean none? Because I didn't have a mother before she was married.
 
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm...

:)A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm...

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it".Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart; now you can follow me over to K-Mart."
 
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
 
How to determine a REAL snowmobiler

Prays for snow every night.

Turns on the Weather Channel first thing every morning.

Curses the Weather Channel second thing every morning.

Doesn't like to be passed under any circumstances.

Wants a new snowmobile every year.

Would rather ride than watch the Super Bowl.

Wishes he could forget about the speed limit.

Feels that no snowmobile suit is ever out of fashion, or too dirty to wear.

Would never admit to being tired out when riding with buddies.

Has no trouble choosing between an aftermarket pipe, or a new couch for the living room.

Is about as friendly as a grizzly bear when someone "high marks" him.

Refers to standing around as "wasting daylight."

Thumb twitches when snow is forecast.

Enjoys the smell of two-cycle exhaust and the sound of revving engines.

Carries enough odds and ends in his "possibles bag" to make it home, regardless.

Views a heavy, fresh snowfall as an invitation to paradise.

Considers burgers, fries and malts a delicacy.

Can locate gas stations like a coon dog on a hot trail.

Considers his exact sled width when approaching two trees, out of control, and careening downhill.

Always knows (with GPS precision) which way is back.
 
I know it's still a bit early but if you want to be in riding shape, you've got to start early. I've attached a good workout schedule for your use.

1. Go to your local snowmobile repair shop, smile and give the first guy you

see $200. This will get you used to spending money there on a regular basis. Just

think, it could be worse and it could be boating season (move decimal point to the right

by two places for boating season).



2. Fill a 50-gallon barrel with sand. Lower it into a hole. Now lift it out.

If you can, add water to the sand and try it again. Do this 5 times per day.

This will get your back in shape for lifting your sled out of the deep snow.



3. Tie a rope to a heavy-duty spring. Pull the rope repeatedly with each arm

until the pain in your shoulders meets somewhere in middle your back. This

will get you in shape for starting your buds sled, which he conveniently

forgot was out of gas. It's best to do this exercise while someone is

spraying starting fluid into your nose and eyes also.



4. Drink four ounces of cod liver oil mixed with a strong laxative. Dress

with long underwear, wool pants, snowmobile bibs, insulated boots and heavy

coat. Walk far into the woods without any paper products and wait for a

personal emergency. This gets you prepared for the bowel movements that come out of

nowhere and at the wrong time.



5. Place your hands in a bucket of ice water for 20 minutes. Put the

carburetor from your lawn mower in the bottom of your deep freeze.Now climb

in the deep freeze, shut the lid and overhaul it while holding a pen light

in your mouth. This gets you prepared to work on your sled in the freezing

cold and black of night. Advanced riders do this with a leatherman tool



7. Dress up in your new $350 snowmobile bibs. Pour 2 stroke oil down the

right leg, gasoline down the other and Peppermint Schnapps and Beer all

over the front. Fill your boots with ice cubes and ask your wife or

girlfriend to dance. This will prepare her for the stops at the local bar

after a ride.



8. Put on a Balaclava and a full-face helmet. Attempt to drink hot chocolate

through the opening. Advanced riders attempt this while riding a lawn

tractor over in the nearest farmers' field. Super advanced riders substitute hot chocoloate with

Crown Royal and Ginger Ale.



9. Find a place where you can pay $5.50 a gallon for regular gas; $19.99

per quart of oil; $16 for a hamburger and frozen French fries; $3 for a 6oz. coke

and $160 to sleep in a cold cabin on a bed with springs sticking through the

mattress. Stay for two nights, minimum. This will prepare you on the high

cost of your future winter trips.



10. Practice explaining to your banker why you need another loan for a

$60,000 truck to pull the four $20,000 toys, in your $19,000 trailer that

you still owe $50,000 on.


Now, you are 50% ready, and somewhat conditioned to head for the trails and

ride your sled.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

christopher
Ford F150 3.0 Powerstroke Diesel ???
8 9 10
Replies
180
Views
40K
Drewd
D
W
Canadian Immigration....
Replies
4
Views
836
freeflorider
F
T
another genie joke but its a gooder
Replies
7
Views
689
Duvall Dean
D
B
Great Pelosi/Reid joke, even if he did have to appologize
Replies
1
Views
384
Ollie
O
L
Golf Announcer Under Fire for a Joke
Replies
11
Views
1K
Gainster
G
Premium Features
Join Now Free!



Back
Top